Surviving Mother's Day

Normally, I can keep myself out from under the black cloud of depression and dig myself out of the gaping hole of sorrow that accompanies infertility. I put on a very brave face, and for the most part, it isn't an act. I have a good life, and I focus on what I have and enjoy the moments of peace. 

I love summer. I love the warm mornings, the long evenings, the flip-flops, the swimming, the camping...the list goes on and on. What I don't love about summer is the two most painful days of the year: Mother's Day and Father's Day. I love my mom.  She is my best friend.  I didn't realize that I liked her until I was an adult, but that tends to happen with snotty teenagers. I enjoy celebrating her as my mom. But for me, Mother's Day is also the day that the knife in my heart gets twisted, jabbed in and out, and spit on a few times. Mother's Day is the sole day set as a reminder of what I am not. And what I may never be. What I may never have. (I love our fur-babies, but I seriously don't consider myself a "mom" because I feed and walk a dog or scoop a cat box).  

Father's Day is painful, too.  It is the day to remind me that I have failed my husband. I have failed to fulfill his wish to be a dad and to give a child the great experiences that his dad gave him. Father's Day doesn't seem to bother K as much as it bothers me. But he deserves to be a dad. And I can't give that to him. 

So, as I sit here wallowing in my own self-pity, I just ask you to remember you infertile friends on these days. I don't ever want to take any of your joy or happiness, and you are all amazing inspirations to us as parents. I know this is a buzz-kill, and I don't mean it to be. I don't really have an ending to this black posting. So I'm linking some etiquette rules for dealing with buzz-kills like me when we get on pity-me rampages :)

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html