Breakdown #1

Im pretty good at avoiding breakdowns. I may get watery eyes on occasion, or feel bitter, but a full blown breakdown is rare. It is weak, and I need to be strong. 

But tonight, watching my favorite show "How I Met Your Mother", Lily told Marshall she was pregnant. Marshall said they are going to Italy. She says they can't have a baby in Italy and give up his judge-ship. He says they are going to Italy to live her dream because she's giving him his dream, again (as he rubs her belly). 

I was done. Broken. I started bawling. 

What if? What if I can't make Keith a daddy? He deserves to be a daddy. 

What if my parents and his parents don't get to meet their grandchildren? Not to sound morbid, but both our dads turn 70 this year. That's not exactly young. I want them to love and KNOW our children. I want our children to have memories of gramma, gramps, nonna, poppop, Grammy, grandpa & grandma. I don't want just baby pictures. I want memories for everyone. 

What if this doesn't work soon enough and they don't meet?  What if my body & fate/god don't play this game fast enough? 

So, I had my breakdown. Keith loved on me. Moxie hasn't stopped snuggling with me. I know I'm loved. And I know our baby will be loved. When the time comes. I just hope it comes quickly. I'm not the most patient person, especially after 7 years of trying...

End breakdown. 

Here is Moxie's "don't cry mom" face: