Breakdown #1

Im pretty good at avoiding breakdowns. I may get watery eyes on occasion, or feel bitter, but a full blown breakdown is rare. It is weak, and I need to be strong. 

But tonight, watching my favorite show "How I Met Your Mother", Lily told Marshall she was pregnant. Marshall said they are going to Italy. She says they can't have a baby in Italy and give up his judge-ship. He says they are going to Italy to live her dream because she's giving him his dream, again (as he rubs her belly). 

I was done. Broken. I started bawling. 

What if? What if I can't make Keith a daddy? He deserves to be a daddy. 

What if my parents and his parents don't get to meet their grandchildren? Not to sound morbid, but both our dads turn 70 this year. That's not exactly young. I want them to love and KNOW our children. I want our children to have memories of gramma, gramps, nonna, poppop, Grammy, grandpa & grandma. I don't want just baby pictures. I want memories for everyone. 

What if this doesn't work soon enough and they don't meet?  What if my body & fate/god don't play this game fast enough? 

So, I had my breakdown. Keith loved on me. Moxie hasn't stopped snuggling with me. I know I'm loved. And I know our baby will be loved. When the time comes. I just hope it comes quickly. I'm not the most patient person, especially after 7 years of trying...

End breakdown. 

Here is Moxie's "don't cry mom" face:

Let's play Catch Up. Again.

Once again, it’s been nearly a year since I’ve updated this darn thing. I just really don’t want to bore people with stuff that is, well, boring. Heck, I’m pretty sure I’ve even typed that same boring sentence on a previous post. Sorry ‘bout that.

Let’s see…a tiny catch up. We’ve just been living life & enjoying our childless time. We know how good we’ve got it right now, and we are taking full advantage of it while we can. The only big change we’ve had is my job (yes, again!). I finally got my foot in the door getting back into worker’s compensation claims. I LOVED doing work comp in Nevada. I looked forward to work (nearly) every day, and I was damn good at my job. I was having a very difficult time finding a job here in Idaho handling claims. Turns out that you have to be licensed in Idaho. I had an interview with my company in June, and they hired someone who was licensed. That’s when I first heard of it, so I ordered the material and studied a bit. That same company contacted me in September for an interview. At the interview, I was told that they wanted to hire me, but I could get paid what I was worth if I was licensed. So, I buckled down, took the test, got my license and had a job offer 2 days later. I’ve been working here since September 30th and loving it. It is SO different from Nevada, it’s a lot to learn, but my brain feels refreshed and stimulated daily!

K finishes his last year in school in July. He’s attending the Graduate School of Retail Bank Management. It’s a pretty big deal for him! I’m planning on flying down to South Carolina with another couple and we’re going to attend his graduation, then take a week to stay in Myrtle Beach. 5 months and counting!!

Now, back to the point of this whole blog (and the only reason you’ve hung on this long): we are doing another IVF! We looked into a lot of options and the best one was to stay here with our doctor. We sat down & had a long talk with her back on January 20th (our 7th anniversary, btw). She said that she still feels very confident that IVF will work for us. They’ve got a program that is a refund program. It’s a lot of money, but it is 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles, and if we don’t take a baby home after that, we get 80% of the money back. We did the initial lab testing that day. My AMH (Anti-Mullerian hormone) was excellent (anything over 3 is great, I was 11). This is basically a test of egg reserve. We did a voluntary genetic testing as well, as there is a company that offers it free if insurance doesn’t pay. That all came back clean.

Today I had my water ultrasound. This basically checks to make sure my uterus hasn’t grown poisoned tentacles or bottomless caverns or anything. Everything looked great and smooth and “hospitable”. She checked out each ovary. At the current resting state, my right ovary had about 10 viewable follicles and my left had about 13. This is a great sign! It means I should have lots of little eggies to produce when the shots start.

Here’s a picture of some of the stuff used in the ultrasound.

Basically, they use the giant Q-tips to swab around, then put the full catheter of water in with the wand (not pictured) and then swab again. It’s slightly uncomfortable and incredibly wet.

We got our calendar today. Initially boring. I stay on the birth control (to keep everything resting) for another month. I’ll start the first follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) Lupron on 3/18. K & I will both start an antibiotic at that time for 10 days. April 1st is when the fun begins. So, you may not hear from me until then, but come April 1st, strap yourself in for the ride with us!

Surviving Mother's Day

Normally, I can keep myself out from under the black cloud of depression and dig myself out of the gaping hole of sorrow that accompanies infertility. I put on a very brave face, and for the most part, it isn't an act. I have a good life, and I focus on what I have and enjoy the moments of peace. 

I love summer. I love the warm mornings, the long evenings, the flip-flops, the swimming, the camping...the list goes on and on. What I don't love about summer is the two most painful days of the year: Mother's Day and Father's Day. I love my mom.  She is my best friend.  I didn't realize that I liked her until I was an adult, but that tends to happen with snotty teenagers. I enjoy celebrating her as my mom. But for me, Mother's Day is also the day that the knife in my heart gets twisted, jabbed in and out, and spit on a few times. Mother's Day is the sole day set as a reminder of what I am not. And what I may never be. What I may never have. (I love our fur-babies, but I seriously don't consider myself a "mom" because I feed and walk a dog or scoop a cat box).  

Father's Day is painful, too.  It is the day to remind me that I have failed my husband. I have failed to fulfill his wish to be a dad and to give a child the great experiences that his dad gave him. Father's Day doesn't seem to bother K as much as it bothers me. But he deserves to be a dad. And I can't give that to him. 

So, as I sit here wallowing in my own self-pity, I just ask you to remember you infertile friends on these days. I don't ever want to take any of your joy or happiness, and you are all amazing inspirations to us as parents. I know this is a buzz-kill, and I don't mean it to be. I don't really have an ending to this black posting. So I'm linking some etiquette rules for dealing with buzz-kills like me when we get on pity-me rampages :)

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Update, Rant, References in no particular order

The reference letters have gone out. One of the references was nice enough to snap some pictures so I know what they are asking about us. I know that our friends don’t see it as a nuisance, but it seems…off putting…to me to ask others to take the time and fill out 4 pages of mini-essays. These people have lives, too! Plus, this was done 5 years ago! We haven’t become felons or mass-murderers since that time (trust me, they check the criminal history backgrounds). Here are some of the questions asked of our references:

Q: Characterize their ability to tolerate challenging or negative behaviors or emotions in themselves or others. Hypothetical Answer (HA): if it is negative behavior in each other, they’ll smack each other upside the head and move on. This probably applies for kids, as well.
Q. Characterize their ability to deal with rejection by a child.
HA: isn’t life all about rejections? I was a total dork in high school and was rejected constantly.
Q: Describe their ability to delay their own gratification such as affection, respect, sleep & personal time. HA: Nope, all about the instant gratification. Sheesh. How about 6+ years trying to have a baby? If there is a better example of delayed gratification, I’d like to know! Move along.
Q: Describe their ability to find happiness in small increments of improvement or change in others.
HA: we married each other, didn’t we?
Q (my personal favorite): if for some reason you were unable to care for your children, would you feel comfortable in allowing the applicants to care for them on a permanent basis? Why or why not?
HA: Only if I want my kids to be rednecks like K!

I’m so glad that the friends we chose to be references have a good sense of humor and don’t mind the semantics of government questioning. In my opinion, the questionnaires should be this simple:
Q: Are they good people? If yes, proceed to next question. If No, STOP & return forms.
Q: Do they enjoy beating children for recreation? If yes, STOP and return forms. If No, proceed to next question. And so on.

On a different note, we went to what I was told was an “orientation” for foster & adoption. What it really was was a recruitment meeting to try & reel in more prospective foster parents. K was extremely upset about going, as it was 2 hours of his evening for things we’ve already heard. I insisted we go. Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment, because he was right. It ended up being 2 hours of this: foster care is great!! We support you. We give you help when needed. The birth parents are great people. The State loves you. The kids aren’t too bad all the time.
We actually had a hard time keeping straight faces and not scoffing or laughing during a lot of it. Granted, our past experience was basically a fluke. Everything that could go wrong, did. We had a horrendous licensing worker whose response to everything was “if you had kids of your own…” like we were complete effing morons who knew nothing about life, children, human beings or common sense because we didn’t have kids of our own.
(Tangent warning) This is probably the biggest thorn in my side in general. NO, we don’t have kids of our own. This is NOT by choice. YES, we know everything is different when you have kids. YES, we know that we can’t really comprehend how hard/time consuming/exhausting/rewarding it is to have children because we don’t have them. I GET IT!!! We definitely know how to enjoy our free time now, spend money on vacations, sleep in, stay up late, go to concerts, etc. We KNOW that will all change with the first kid. HOWEVER, just because we don’t have kids, doesn’t mean we are stupid. I babysat from the age of 13. Not my siblings, but stranger’s children, whom I found by going door to door advertising my “expertise”. My youngest sibling is 1.5 years younger than me. There was no raising of him. There was no babysitting him (yeah, like he would have EVER listened to me as an authority figure!). I have a lot of nieces and nephews. I have friends with children. I’ve had friends with children who have lived with me. I’ve worked in hospitals and as a family practice MA. I gave shots to your kids. I’ve done foster care. I’ve been a GAL/CASA for kids in foster care. I’ve done it, and some of it is a lot harder than just normal kids. So, to sum up, having-or not having-kids of our own is NOT an answer. Oh, also, you having kids does NOT make you better than me. I know you are working harder than I am and you are raising a functional human being, but you’re not better than me. Which brings me to a hilarious web-site: http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/ Good fun for parents and non-parents alike.

Anyhow, with our previous experience with foster care, the State gave us the kids and disappeared. There was no response to numerous phone messages. Nobody read emails and some even came back as undeliverable. It took me 9 hours to get permission to take the youngest to a doctor for an ear infection. We weren’t allowed to cut the hair of the oldest even though her lice was so bad, she was being bitten in the face. We were the prime example of “out of sight, out of mind” and K’s favorite saying “Not my fucking problem”.
One thing they told everyone in the orientation meeting is that “We are a team. We work together. If something needs to get done that you, as a foster parent cannot do without permission, we get it from the administrator without problem.” What they failed to mention to the other glassy-eyed people (my cousin excluded) was the process of permission:
1. Foster parent (FP) leaves voicemail for case worker.
2. FP leaves three more voicemails and sends three emails over the course of 5 days.
3. Case-worker finally gets annoyed & calls FP back, discusses issue & says “I’ll talk with the administrator to get permission and call you right back.
4: repeat steps 1 & 2.
5: Day 10-case worker calls back, says it is still “in review”.
6: repeat steps 1 & 2.
7: Answer is yes, paperwork will be processed, sent to court, added to case plan, discussed with birth parents and you will be informed of when you can go forward. OR answer is no. Deal with it.
Phew, that was a LONG 3 weeks just to see if you have permission to take the child to the water park.

I guess it is a good thing that we are experienced now in how this really works. We know that we can be picky, because they will push us to do things we don’t want. We know to be a pain in the ass and make them call us back just to shut us up. We also know THEY NEED US, not the other way around. We want to do this. We want to help kids. But we will not be bullied in the process. And trust me, They. Will. Try.

Conclusion: We’re very thankful that we don’t have to go through the training again!! It is 27 hours of the same unicorns-and-butterflies-and-rainbows stuff that the orientation was.
I got fingerprinted yesterday & K goes next week. The next step is just waiting for the criminal back ground checks to be done and schedule a home visit.

Let's start this over

Well, it's been a little over two years since my last post. In all honesty, it got depressing to basically update on something that just wasn't happening. We were both busy with our jobs and life in general.  

So, the last two years. Let's see...I don't really remember too much in 2011 to write about, is that bad? It must have been a big blur!  I'm sure BSU football was involved, as well as camping, trips to Elko and lots of friends, whitewater rafting, dogs...Oh, and we did our annual Browns trip to San Francisco this time. We flew into Reno, and then drove to SF with Mom & MOD. We did the full tourist experience, because K has never had the fun of exploring SF before. Alcatraz was the favorite, as well as the food at Tadick Grill.  It was Halloween weekend, and that was a sight to see!! The Browns lost (of course!) but it was still an amazing trip.

2012: We did a frozen cycle in February. Basically, they thaw out the embryo's that were frozen from the fresh IVF. I did a ton of injections, but this time, they were horrendous. The worst part was that they were Intramuscular (IM) injections, so into a muscle instead of just under the skin, and I had to do two daily.  Since K is still terrified of needles, I had to do them myself. But IM can't be done in the belly. Ideally, they should be done in the bum.  But, since I can't contort that easily, I did them into my thigh.  By the end of it, I was almost in a wheelchair because my muscles were so shot from the injections. I had huge knots in each thigh and my doctor was amazed I was still walking! Everything looked good, we did the transfer, and...nothing.  No sticky bean. Life goes on. 
We were fortunate enough to go to Hawaii again!  Yep, K earned his 2nd President's Club honor. This year it was the Four Seasons Maui. We were prepared for this trip, so we stayed a few extra days and did lots of fun excursions. They had to drag me out of the water each day, as the snorkeling was amazing! We did a whale-watching tour and saw a few playful baby humpbacks. We made new friends and were sad to come home.  
We bought a new camp trailer that summer as well, so most of the summer was spent camping as often as possible. We did discover new destinations, explored the original Oregon Trail, spent 4 amazing days in Hell's Canyon and took the mutts with us often. 
Our Annual Browns trip was to Indianapolis. Let me tell you, what an AMAZING city!  It was so clean and there was so much to do just walking distance from our hotel. We stayed right down town and could see Lucas Oil Stadium from our hotel. We did a murder mystery dinner, Indy 500 and kissed the bricks at the finish line, the NCAA Hall of Champions, the War Memorial Museum, the Indianapolis Art Museum...and of course, the football game.  Again, the Browns lost, but the experience was awesome. The stadium is beautiful and, as disappointing as it was to not see Petyon play (he went to the Broncos last year), it was so cool to see how he still had the crowd trained to be silent on offensive plays. You could hear a pin drop! But, the coolest part of the trip was meeting Rebecca Lobo. If you don't know who she is, Google her. Short of it, she's an Olympic Gold Medal Women's Basketball star who is now a commentator. The WNBA Championship was that week and game 4 in Indy (Fever!) was there. She was staying in our hotel and having drinks at the bar. Naturally, K recognized her and started chatting away.  She even bought our drinks! She told us that Game 4 was the next night, and balcony tickets were $10. So we figured we can't lose. I know zilch about basketball and negative zilch about Women's Basketball, but it is still a fun time. So we went, experienced the beautiful new digs and watched the Indiana Fever win the championship game!  That was pretty darn cool, I don't care who you are!!

So, fast forward to now.  I had surgery on my hand/wrist in February and I'm slowly gaining function back from that, but it's a slow, painful process with nerves entrapped and junk.  Oh, and K was nominated by the bank to be sponsored for the Graduate School of Retail Bank Management. Basically, it is a three year graduate degree in banking. They are paying for everything, and most of it is online. He gets to enjoy three weeks in the summer in South Carolina (ha!).  This July will be his 2nd year. They stay in the dorms, eat in the cafeteria, etc. He's a college student all over again! Also in the past two years, I've had two new nephews born. 6 of our "close friends" couples have had babies.  We're surrounded by babies! We did see a new specialist out of Salt Lake City, and he was awesome. K loved him. He has a program that does 4 fresh IVF and unlimited frozen (based on how many you have to freeze each time).  It is a 100% money-back program if you don't take a baby home.  It's also $20,000 cash and does not include the medications.  So, we'll get to that when we win the lottery.  *sigh*

The reason for updating this blog, is that we have decided to take the re-leap back into foster parenting. We have a huge support network now and just feel much more prepared. Plus, our experience as CASA/GAL (court appointed special advocate/guardian ad litem) has taught us a lot more of the in's & out's of the foster care system and what our rights are. So, while we are not actively pursuing IVF at the moment due to money constraints, I figured we would chronicle the foster care process. Maybe it will open (or shut) some eyes of other prospective foster parents.  Keep in mind, we have done this before, but it was a HORRENDOUS experience. It has taken 5 years to be prepared to embark on this again.  Hopefully, this time around the results will be better! 

It is starting slowly for now. We submitted the application last week. I spoke with a 'recruiter' today and the licensing worker. We still have to get fingerprinted and do the background checks again, as well as the home visit since we're in a new house (well, new from last time we did this). My fingerprinting is scheduled for May 8th, if that gives you any idea of how slow it all is. But, I did find out that we don't have to go through all of the training again! Woo-hoo!! There's 8 weeks of time we don't have to lose this summer!! 

I hope to be a bit more productive this time around on the blog, but we'll see. Summer is coming up quick and the last thing I want is to be behind a computer any longer than needed!

Thoughts on becoming a mother

I know that some of you have seen it before, especially my IF friends.  But, it is something I need to remind myself of time and time again.

Thoughts Of Becoming A Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and I prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child . I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover, I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child, I actually give birth to a child God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, a friend and a sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by the fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed
I have succeeded
I have won

So now, when others hurt around me I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs, I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten, as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learn a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learn to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

I wish you a happy VD

A couple weeks ago, a friend & I were discussing Valentine’s day, and my total hatred for the holiday. She was a bit surprised at my vehemence about the day.

Let me start by saying my dislike of V-day does not stem from a horrible childhood or teen years where I did not receive flowers from a crush or any unrequited love issues.  When I was a kid, I loved V-day. Making little mailboxes out of an old shoebox. Decorating it with glitter and crimped ribbons and putting the little slot in the top-making sure it was big enough for candy to fit through as well.  Then I would painstakingly go through each card I was to give to my classmates.  I remember My Little Pony, Rainbow Bright, Star Wars, Popples and Pound Puppy cards.  Some were more romantic than others, so obviously those had to be reserved for the special boy(s) of the year. My mom always got the variety candy for me to use with the cards, so I would pick out my favorite candy and also reserve that for the love of the week.  It was a long, arduous process.  Then, the next day at school, the frenzy began.  Each person would laugh and run around the classroom, placing their cards & gifts into the shoeboxes perched on the corner of the desks.  We would try and sneak in the card to our “loves” while they weren’t looking, for fear of embarrassment if they saw us put it in directly.  Then we would sit at our desks and eagerly open each card and sort through the candy, all the while watching our crushes out of the corner of our eyes, trying to gauge their reaction to our specific card.  Of course, all the cards look exactly the same from afar.  And attention still had to be paid to our own gifts.  And then the day was over.  We would swoon for a few days over a particular card or two, trying to put much more meaning into the “you are my candy girl” saying than was truly meant. Then we moved onto different things and different holidays.  Pinch me if I’m not wearing green!!!  Tee hee hee. 

Later, in middle school and high school, the stakes were higher.  Not everyone got a card from me. Just the special one guy at the time.  And, of course, all my best friends.  If there wasn’t a special guy at the moment, the single girls would swoon over the flowers/teddy bear/box of candy that our attached friends received.  We would secretly be jealous. We would watch the breakups of the couples who didn’t do it correctly.  “Jimmy didn’t get you flowers and chocolate and a necklace?  Gees, he gets like $3 a week in allowance.  Why couldn’t he buy it for you???  What a jerk. You were right to dump him.”  So what if they got back together the next week?  It was all about taking a stand! 

So, I enjoyed Valentine’s Day the way it was meant to be enjoyed during the younger years, when “true love” was fickle and changed monthly (or sometimes daily).   Then I grew up. 

I realized that if my significant other needs a specific day to tell me he loves me, there is something wrong in the relationship.   Hallmark, Sees Candy and 1-800-Flowers says you must show me you love me on this very day. 

Men (and women for that matter) painstakingly chose the right card to say everything they aren’t capable of saying themselves.  The card expresses all their emotions and thoughts just right, in the perfect way, describing their relationship exactly as the unique love that it is (and every other relationship that picks the same card).  They sign “I love you” and their name.

Sharing feelings that someone else wrote?  Check!

Next is the candy.  Why on earth candy is a part of “I love you”, I’ll never understand.  Little chalk-tasting hearts with cute little “email me” sayings.  That’s opening up!  A box of wax-like chocolate treats for $30?  It’s the thought that counts.  And the “those damn chocolates went straight to my thighs” for the next 3 months. 

Flowers!!  Oh flowers.  Buy a bouquet of roses in July as an anniversary present, and it’s $19.99 plus a delivery fee.  Buy a bouquet of roses for Valentine’s Day?  $69.99 if preordered by January 1^st, delivery not guaranteed on the 14^th of February and no refunds if they are dead or if they are carnations.  What? You want to throw in a little teddy bear with a “be mine” heart?  Oh, that’s an extra $14.99 and it may end up being a left over Halloween spider.  No refunds or returns. 

And then, my personal favorite, is the jewelry.  Girls, you weren’t special enough to get that heart-shaped diamond necklace you’ve been begging for the whole year.  Until today.  When all your friends got the same one because there was a sale last week.  And the original proposals!!  We got engaged on Valentine’s Day.  Awwwww!!!  So did 90% of every other couple!  How special and original.  He sure put a lot of planning into it.  Of course, the waiter put your ring in the desert of the other table because that guy over there, too, was proposing tonight.

Also, the whole day comes down to the man’s responsibility.  The man has to buy the presents, get the sappy card, make the reservations and basically be who he really isn’t good at being.  All because the calendar says it is February 14^th.  That’s a lot of pressure.  And women really stick it to the guy if they don’t meet expectations.  Sad, but true. 

So, it really comes down to me just disliking the whole basis of the day.  If you love me, tell me.  Every day.  For no reason at all.  Because you love me.  Not because Hallmark and Kay Jewelers says you have to .  Buy me flowers because I am having a bad day, or it’s my birthday, or our anniversary.  A day special to us as a couple. Propose when you want to, not when you feel you are obligated to.  Take your significant other out to dinner to celebrate your love other than the day you are required  to be in love.

The very first Valentine’s Day Keith & I were dating, he got me some flowers and a little hanging monkey.  I did the appropriate swooning and pictures.  I still have the monkey hanging from our bedpost.  And then I told him if he ever wasted money on the day again, I’d kill him.  His words?  “God I love you!” 

Maybe I’m just one of the lucky ones.  He tells me every day that he loves me. Numerous times a day.  With each phone call.  Each email.  Each text message.  We never go to sleep without a kiss goodnight.  We never run to the corner market without “loveyoubye” being said.  A phone call isn’t over until “love you, love you too” is uttered.  He will buy me little gifts because he saw it and wanted to make me smile.  I will get him a card or put a note in his lunchbox because the mood struck me. 

Screw the calendar.  Every day is Valentine’s Day for us.  And I think that’s why I don’t like the holiday.  If every day isn’t Valentine’s Day in your relationship, you may need a different calendar.