The reference letters have gone out. One of the references was nice enough to snap some pictures so I know what they are asking about us. I know that our friends don’t see it as a nuisance, but it seems…off putting…to me to ask others to take the time and fill out 4 pages of mini-essays. These people have lives, too! Plus, this was done 5 years ago! We haven’t become felons or mass-murderers since that time (trust me, they check the criminal history backgrounds). Here are some of the questions asked of our references:
Q: Characterize their ability to tolerate challenging or negative behaviors or emotions in themselves or others. Hypothetical Answer (HA): if it is negative behavior in each other, they’ll smack each other upside the head and move on. This probably applies for kids, as well.
Q. Characterize their ability to deal with rejection by a child.
HA: isn’t life all about rejections? I was a total dork in high school and was rejected constantly.
Q: Describe their ability to delay their own gratification such as affection, respect, sleep & personal time. HA: Nope, all about the instant gratification. Sheesh. How about 6+ years trying to have a baby? If there is a better example of delayed gratification, I’d like to know! Move along.
Q: Describe their ability to find happiness in small increments of improvement or change in others.
HA: we married each other, didn’t we?
Q (my personal favorite): if for some reason you were unable to care for your children, would you feel comfortable in allowing the applicants to care for them on a permanent basis? Why or why not?
HA: Only if I want my kids to be rednecks like K!
I’m so glad that the friends we chose to be references have a good sense of humor and don’t mind the semantics of government questioning. In my opinion, the questionnaires should be this simple:
Q: Are they good people? If yes, proceed to next question. If No, STOP & return forms.
Q: Do they enjoy beating children for recreation? If yes, STOP and return forms. If No, proceed to next question. And so on.
On a different note, we went to what I was told was an “orientation” for foster & adoption. What it really was was a recruitment meeting to try & reel in more prospective foster parents. K was extremely upset about going, as it was 2 hours of his evening for things we’ve already heard. I insisted we go. Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment, because he was right. It ended up being 2 hours of this:
foster care is great!! We support you. We give you help when needed. The birth parents are great people. The State loves you. The kids aren’t too bad all the time.
We actually had a hard time keeping straight faces and not scoffing or laughing during a lot of it. Granted, our past experience was basically a fluke. Everything that could go wrong, did. We had a horrendous licensing worker whose response to everything was “if you had kids of your own…” like we were complete effing morons who knew nothing about life, children, human beings or common sense because we didn’t have kids of our own.
(Tangent warning) This is probably the biggest thorn in my side in general. NO, we don’t have kids of our own. This is NOT by choice. YES, we know everything is different when you have kids. YES, we know that we can’t really comprehend how hard/time consuming/exhausting/rewarding it is to have children because we don’t have them. I GET IT!!! We definitely know how to enjoy our free time now, spend money on vacations, sleep in, stay up late, go to concerts, etc. We KNOW that will all change with the first kid. HOWEVER, just because we don’t have kids, doesn’t mean we are stupid. I babysat from the age of 13. Not my siblings, but stranger’s children, whom I found by going door to door advertising my “expertise”. My youngest sibling is 1.5 years younger than me. There was no raising of him. There was no babysitting him (yeah, like he would have EVER listened to me as an authority figure!). I have a lot of nieces and nephews. I have friends with children. I’ve had friends with children who have lived with me. I’ve worked in hospitals and as a family practice MA. I gave shots to your kids. I’ve done foster care. I’ve been a GAL/CASA for kids in foster care. I’ve done it, and some of it is a lot harder than just normal kids. So, to sum up, having-or not having-kids of our own is NOT an answer. Oh, also, you having kids does NOT make you better than me. I know you are working harder than I am and you are raising a functional human being, but you’re not better than me. Which brings me to a hilarious web-site: http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/ Good fun for parents and non-parents alike.
Anyhow, with our previous experience with foster care, the State gave us the kids and disappeared. There was no response to numerous phone messages. Nobody read emails and some even came back as undeliverable. It took me 9 hours to get permission to take the youngest to a doctor for an ear infection. We weren’t allowed to cut the hair of the oldest even though her lice was so bad, she was being bitten in the face. We were the prime example of “out of sight, out of mind” and K’s favorite saying “Not my fucking problem”.
One thing they told everyone in the orientation meeting is that “We are a team. We work together. If something needs to get done that you, as a foster parent cannot do without permission, we get it from the administrator without problem.” What they failed to mention to the other glassy-eyed people (my cousin excluded) was the process of permission:
1. Foster parent (FP) leaves voicemail for case worker.
2. FP leaves three more voicemails and sends three emails over the course of 5 days.
3. Case-worker finally gets annoyed & calls FP back, discusses issue & says “I’ll talk with the administrator to get permission and call you right back.
4: repeat steps 1 & 2.
5: Day 10-case worker calls back, says it is still “in review”.
6: repeat steps 1 & 2.
7: Answer is yes, paperwork will be processed, sent to court, added to case plan, discussed with birth parents and you will be informed of when you can go forward. OR answer is no. Deal with it.
Phew, that was a LONG 3 weeks just to see if you have permission to take the child to the water park.
I guess it is a good thing that we are experienced now in how this really works. We know that we can be picky, because they will push us to do things we don’t want. We know to be a pain in the ass and make them call us back just to shut us up. We also know THEY NEED US, not the other way around. We want to do this. We want to help kids. But we will not be bullied in the process. And trust me, They. Will. Try.
Conclusion: We’re very thankful that we don’t have to go through the training again!! It is 27 hours of the same unicorns-and-butterflies-and-rainbows stuff that the orientation was.
I got fingerprinted yesterday & K goes next week. The next step is just waiting for the criminal back ground checks to be done and schedule a home visit.
