My Do's & Don'ts

Recently an online friend of mine did a write-up on her blog about unpopular decisions.  It got me thinking about mine.  So, here goes.  I hope to clue people into a bit of my warped mind.  I hope NOT to offend anyone.  I hope we’re all mature enough to accept other people’s opinions as simply that: opinions. 

I’ll start with my DO list.  I DO:

~Vote Republican 99% of the time.  I believe in less government.  As a government employee, I’m not supposed to have a political opinion, so don’t tell anyone.  (by the by, if you are like me in your political view, this site is one of the best reads you'll ever have: http://chicksontheright.com/)

~Try and be the most open-minded person I can be.  I would love to have a civil political or religious conversation with anyone.  I am constantly amazed by how much I can learn about something or someone by just listening to their opinion and point of view.  To each their own.  I hope that the same respect would be afforded to me. 

~Support stem-cell research.  It is NOT aborted fetuses like so many people want to believe.  Stem-cell therapy has infinite possibilities, it is despicable that funding is not funneled into it at every possible moment.  If Stem-Cell research could have given me more time with my Nonni, or given us a baby 3 years ago, who am I to ever go against that?  As Peter Griffin said in a great episode of Family Guy, “Why are we not funding this??”

~Believe in the woman’s right to choose.  I just hope she chooses wisely, and only uses abortion as a medical necessity or for severe psychological reasons.  I also hope that she knows there are tens of thousands of people out there that would more than willingly love her baby if she can’t or won’t.

~Exercise my right to bear arms.  In fact, I bare numerous arms.  And I know how to use them.  It is my house, my animals, my husband, my car, my friends, my family and damned if I’m not going to protect them in any way possible.  I’d much rather meet a gun-toting criminal with a gun of my own, and not a steak knife and 911 on speed dial. 

~Think capital punishment is an excellent idea.  I think the death penalty should be used more frequently for violent crimes and repeat offenders of said crimes.  I think you should get one appeal, and if you lose, you’re next in line.  I also think all the tools that picket the executions should have the option to shut up, or take the prisoner into their home for a couple of years and see how they feel about the execution at that time.  But, I’m an eye-for-an-eye kind of person. 

~Have a hard time being against pot.  I mean, seriously, it’s not as bad as alcohol and yet it’s illegal.  If it was legalized and taxed, imagine the revenue the country would make!!  And I know a lot of people that would be a lot mellower!

~Believe in God with all my heart.  However, if you don’t, I’m not going to try and convert you or change your mind.  I’ll still love you just the same.

I DON’T:

~Believe in global warming.  There is more scientific proof against it than there is for it.  Plus, most of the so-called experts in this ‘field’ have been shown to either be making most of their “evidence” up, or are people like Al Gore, who believes so strongly that global warming is ruining our earth that he travels in private, jumbo jets and SUV’s to spread the word.  Oh, and lives in his 6000 sq ft mansion.  But, please, continue to throw money into the snow.

~Support abortion as a method of birth control.  Use the pill, an IUD, a condom or abstinence.  If you use abortion as a method of birth control, well, I think something bad should happen to you.  Just sayin’.

~Think affirmative action is a good idea.  I think it leads to people using their race/gender/religion/hair color as a crutch instead of part of who they are.  I also think it leads to more discrimination than it fixes.  Instead of looking at people as smart employees who would be an asset, you are seen as a skin color.  I also think that the scholarships strictly for being Hispanic, black, Jewish, under 5’2” or cross-eyed are total and complete BS.  Where was the poor-white-girl college fund?  If I opened a “white, privileged kids only” school, the rotation of the world would come to a crashing halt.  Get a scholarship because you are smart and work hard.  Plain and simple.

~Like Obama.  I think he has done irreparable harm to our country that my grandchildren will have to dig out of.  He spends more time trying to be a celebrity and going on vacations than he does creating jobs, balancing the budget or making laws that actually help people. 

~Like Sarah Palin for a political choice much, either.  I like her opinions.  I like her political stance.  I’d love to hang out with her for a day, fishing or something.  But as a president/vice president/Secretary of State?  No way.  Unfortunately, I think her publicity has done too much harm to her reputation that she can no longer demand or expect respect. 

~Support illegal immigration.  Come here legally. Learn the language. Take the tests. Wait your turn, get your residency, and live in peace.  If you and your family members must sneak over here like criminals, refuse to learn the language of the country, demand that your traditions and customs take precedent over ours, you deserve every bit of discrimination you get.  Get the hell out of our country and do it right!!  The immigrants that did it the right way have my respect more than most natural-born citizens. 

More randomness:
I think I'm physically or mentally incapable of saying "Merry Christmas" back to someone when they say it to me.  You know, some chirps a happy "Merry Christmas!!!" to you, you're supposed to immediately say it right back.  I don't.  I say "Thanks!" or "You too!".  For some reason, I've always felt almost fake if I say it back.  Weird, I know.

I've never learned how to french braid, and I've always wanted to. I've even looked online and watched videos, but it doesn't help. I end up with a huge knot of hair and a possible half-braid in there somewhere.

I despise the movie Wizard of Oz.  Always have.  It basically comes down to me blaming that movie for my parent's divorce.  Now, as an adult, with an amazing set of step-families, I know the divorce was the best thing for everyone.  However, the first time I remember watching that movie, it was at my (soon-to-be) step-mom's house. It was the first time I remember meeting her kids, too. We went over there with my mom, as a family, to meet her whole family, including her husband. While both families were still intact, married to each other...if that makes any sense.  Anyhow, that movie is forever linked in my subconscious with the divorce. 
That being said, I can't WAIT to watch Wicked!

I am terrified of bugs, to the point of being irrational. Rollie Pollie bugs don't bother me though. My mom says I used to catch them and put them in her jewelry box.  I guess they're also known as pill bugs.  Here is what I am talking about. 

I'm a Fanilow.  Yes, you read that correctly, I love Barry Manilow.  I guess it comes from growing up listening to him, as my mom used to actually sing back up for him.  I've been to quite a few concerts, and his was hands-down the best one I've ever seen.  And it was only 6 years ago, so he was old then, too.

I'll leave you with that as your final thought of me for the day.

Changing of the Name...

You may have noticed, I changed the name of this Blog.  Let me start by saying I had to look up how the heck to do that and it still took me about 10 minutes.  I'm not wonderful at this blogging stuff, and I don't understand about 80% of the Internet-blot-HTML-lingo that goes along with it. So, if this isn't as neat or pretty or fun or interactive as other blogs, I apologize for the boredom.  This is probably the best you're gonna get from me! 

When I started the blog, it was about Keith & I jumping into IVF.  All of our family and a lot of our friends are back in Nevada, so this was a way for them to monitor what was going on.  Now that IVF failed, I find this a nice little outlet to rant, rave or just chatter about nothing.  So, I decided that "Fertility Journey" wasn't an appropriate name for this any more.  While we are still on the journey, it is slow and - most the time - uneventful.  It takes a shitload of money to fight infertility. And we're just about tapped out for the time being. 

As I write this, I have a whopping SIX followers.  That's six random people, half that I've never met, that are interested enough in our lives that they casually pay attention when I write something...anything.  To you faithful six:  Thanks!!  :)  I promise to try and offer only entertaining or insightful posts.  I also promise to break that promise many times over, as I'm sure we all have very different opinions on the definition of entertaining and insightful. 

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On a different note, today is the 5 year anniversary of the first time Keith & I were introduced.  Such random things to remember.  My friend Amber was having a poker party.  I was recently single & ready to finally have some fun after 10 long years of ...not fun.  I still remember borrowing a pink Packers hat from a co-worker.  You have to wear a hat when playing poker, so your opponents don't see your eyes and junk like that.  I went to Amber's house early to help her set up.  The first to arrive was a long-time friend of mine, and of Amber's boyfriend, Trinity (Triny).  With Triny, is Keith.  Triny being how he is, gives me a big hug, then elbows Keith and says "This is the big-titted chick I said I'd hook you up with".  Yep, that's how we met.  We didn't talk much that night because the tables were separated Men & Women.  We occasionally talked when my BFF Monica and I went outside, and Keith followed, for...a sub sandwich (shout-out to How I Met Your Mother).  He went home later, sufficiently drunk, and nobody knew it until the girl that gave him a ride came back to greet her boyfriend. 

The next morning, I was hung over and watching movies with Monica.  I decided to call Keith.  I first had to call Triny to get Keith's number.  Then, he didn't answer, so I left him a message.  He called me back about 2 hours later (he was watching the Brown's play when I called, and you don't interrupt a Browns game), came over to Monica's to watch a movie, then drove me home to watch another movie.  I'll never watch Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (of Johnny Depp fame) or EuroTrip again without smiling fondly.  That night, he kissed me at my doorstep when he left and asked to take me to breakfast the next morning.  He arrived promptly (!!) at 9:00, took me to Mom & Pop's for breakfast and the rest is history. 

I'm a sucker for anniversaries of all kind, so tonight we're doing Crab Legs & T-Bones at home.  I may be a sucker, but I'm also a home-body. 

Don't walk on Eggshells

I've been quiet lately, I know.  I originally started this blog as a way to keep our family & friends updated on the IVF process.  I was so confident in it working, I never imagined what I would have to do if it failed, especially in terms of this little blog.  I was ready to post weekly or monthly stats & updates on how the pregnancy was progressing.  Now, I find myself with nothing much to say, but at the same time, wanting to say so much. 

That being said, please don't walk on eggshells around me or Keith. 
I was talking to a dear friend of mine, J, when we went back to Nevada.  She is about 3 months along now with her 4th little one.  I've known her since her daughter was a toddler (she's now 11).  J let me know that she felt guilty about being pregnant, especially since they were trying to NOT be pregnant.  But, she's always been a don't-sneeze-on-me-or-I'll-be-pregnant kind of person.  And she makes gorgeous kids!  So, she's telling me this, and I noticed that she initially wouldn't use the word "pregnant" and then hesitated before using it later on.  I started thinking about this after we talked and I wondered if it was intentional?  She's a very sensitive person who would take my feelings into her heart, and she's the kind of person that would avoid using the word so it didn't break me apart.  I don't know if it was intentional, or if she was having pregnancy brain, but it started me musing about others as well. 

Some people won't ask us if the IVF worked.  They hint around about it, dance circles around the subject, but don't specifically ask.  Some ask, but then obviously don't want to discuss the answer once they hear "no".  They immediately change the subject.  The majority of people simply avoid the subject.  If it is brought up, they are obviously uncomfortable discussing it. 

I'll clue you in on our feelings:
We're devastated.
It sucks.  Royally.  We spent many days & night crying about it.  I still get very emotional, especially when I see pregnant people.  That's my Kryptonite.  I can handle seeing babies, it's the pregnancies that get me.  But, I don't want people to avoid the subject.  I've come to grips with it and I won't break by discussing it.  I'm still of the mindset that education is everything, so if I can open one more person's eyes to the reality of infertility, I'm all for it.  I may get emotional, but I will be hurt if you avoid me because of it. 

We're pissed. 
We put every spare penny we had into this and we feel like we have nothing to show for it.  In reality, we know that isn't true.  We're in the lucky 30% that had embryos to freeze.  We don't have to start from scratch to try again.  We only have to come up with about 1/3 of the money to do a frozen cycle.  But that seems like an unobtainable goal right now. We don't know when we'll have that kind of money available again, since we're now paying on the loan we took out to get there in the first place.  So, yes, we may be angry, sometimes even bitter, at the situation as a whole. 

We're strong.
We're getting used to the fact that we end up consoling others.  You all have been with us every step of the way, and we know that you put your prayers and thoughts and 'sticky dust' behind our success 100%.  Knowing this, we also know that your hearts broke a bit, too.  So, we will readily accept your hugs just as we willingly give our own.

We're in love.
And that's all that truly matters.  We are nowhere close to being ready to give up on our dream of a baby.  But until we have that baby, we have each other.  We are content in each other's company.  We still entertain ourselves and relish our time together, without a crying baby or demanding toddler.  We're trying to squeeze in every moment of "adult time" while we can, so we can wholly be there for our future children, without regrets of what we may be missing. 

So, this coming weekend, we're doing dinner & date night, to celebrate the 5 year anniversary of our first date.  In 3 weeks, weather permitting, we're heading to Elko to lavish our nephews & niece with love & attention & goodies.  And until we have a baby to join us, we're making the best out of the families we already have.  Our fur-babies, Sophie, Oz, Cassi & Cleo included. 

Bring on the Rain

Since Thursday, I feel as if I'm slowly slipping into a hole.  I find myself spacing off, thinking of nothing in particular, but just feeling sad.  Occasionally, I cry without a prompt and I know I'm doing it and can't seem to stop.  Keith has noticed this about me and tries to cheer me up when he can. 

The funny thing is, when I was doing all the treatments, he was so amazingly supportive.  He knew that I was supposed to avoid any and all stress, so he made the decisions that needed to be made without consulting with me.  He catered to me so I could relax and stick within the 10lb weight limit I had been given.  Since the failure, that has stopped.  Don't get me wrong, he's still awesome.  But he seems to have lost the ability to make any decisions on his own.  This morning, he was helping me prepare sweet potatoes for a work luncheon I'm having.  He was supposed to cube them after I peeled them (see, still awesome).  But, he had to ask "what kind of cubes?" I didn't have a way to explain it, so I answered "I don't know, cube like cubes".  He was pretty upset that I didn't give him any more detailed instructions and made sure I knew it.  He sure doesn't mind stressing me out now, even if it is just about sweet potatoes!  We've been snapping at each other, but I think the stress has just gotten to both of us.  Hopefully, we'll get over this little bump quickly, without scars.

I've been trying very hard to stay out of the dark place.  It's pretty hard when everyone is asking me the results, and when told, asking me "what's the next step".  I guess that's the downside to letting everyone in on the process...answering the questions now without breaking down in the process. 

I heard one of my favorite songs today on the radio.  This song always keeps me from completely succumbing to the dark place:

Bring on the Rain by Jo Dee Messina & Tim McGraw (sorry, I don't know how to link the music)

Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war

'Cause, tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated and I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing but I'm not dead, no

'Cause, tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain, ooh

I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight

'Cause, tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

'Cause, tomorrow's another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain, ooh
Bring on, bring on the rain

No I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
So bring on the rain, ooh

Results

Well, we got the official results today that we are NOT pregnant.  Kinda figured since I had cramps on Wednesday and started my period yesterday.  But they insisted I get the blood test today to confirm.  Which it did. 

The nurse immediately started talking about a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET).  We are lucky enough to have 5 so-so quality embryo's frozen.  She said that we could do a transfer as early as the middle of December, but really whenever we want to.  I told her that it definitely would not be December because we still have to find a way to come up with the money.  An FET is the 'discounted' price of $3000.  But, she said she also understands if we aren't emotionally ready.

Keith and I spent yesterday at home, wallowing in our sorrow.  We were so positive and so optimistic about this working.  Even though we're so used to the disappointment of "no" when it comes to this, we were still upbeat.  Earlier this week, I started losing that upbeat feeling.  I started preparing myself for a negative result.  I thought I was ready.  But this is much harder than I thought it would be. 

I guess we just feel like we put all our eggs in this basket, and the basket just got run over by a steamroller.  We put every last penny into this and now we have nothing left over.  A lot of couples go on a mini-vacation after an IVF failure.  Something to just enjoy each other and get their minds off of the failure.  We can't do that, because we literally drained every last resource to pay for this.  I think that's where the anger comes in.  So angry that the money seems 'wasted'.  I know, I know...it's really not because we had to try. We have snow-babies. 

But right now, I'm still smothering myself in self-pity.  We're both really appreciative of all the support from our family and friends. I know that you all had so much hope for this, just as we did.  You all invested prayers and positive thoughts for us, and we're so very, very grateful for that.  I've had a few friends ask me how I'm doing.  My answer has been, "I'm surviving".  That's the best I can do for now. 

Monday Funny

Last night I was talking to one of my dearest friends from high school.  She loves children, has been following this blog like a stalker and always knows how to cheer me up.  She's also 98% against having children of her own (though I think her nephew is making that number go down just a smidgen).  She's been this way as long as I've known her and it's one of the things I love the most about her. 

When we were talking, she came back to the fact that I'm most upset that our chances of success went down to 45%.  I almost wish our doctor didn't use numbers just for this reason.  Her words were "45% is a pretty significant chance.  Let me tell you, if someone told me I had a 45% chance of conceiving, I would be scared to death! I'd give up sex all together!" 

And I've been floating on that humor cloud all day today.  Really puts it in perspective!

2WW

I am currently in the hell affectionately known as the 2 week wait.  For women trying to conceive, this is the time between ovulation and your (hopefully) missed period.  For fertility patients, it's the time between your treatment and your answer.  It's the Longest. Time. Ever. 

During the 2ww, I analyze everything in my body.  If I burp, was it the soda or pregnancy? I had a dream last night that had a purple cow wearing ballet slippers in it...dream or pregnancy dream?  I have to pee 40 times a day...is it the pregnancy flushing out my system, or is it the 40 cups of liquid I drank?  I'm tired at 8:00pm on a Saturday. Is it because I'm pregnant, or because I'm curled up on the comfy couch with my BSU Snuggie, my husband, a warm fire and a good book? 

One of the worst tortures of the 2ww is that early pregnancy symptoms mimic pre-menstrual symptoms.  Some women get weight gain & bloating. Some get spotting from implantation.  Some get cramps from implantation. Some notice their boobs feel bigger, sorer and are veiny-er.  These can all be signs of pregnancy.  These can all be signs of the doom that is the period.  These are also all side-effects of Progesterone supplementation, something that anyone doing fertility treatments is required to do until a negative test. 

The truth is, it is way too early to know at all.  If I am pregnant, the hormones being created by the baby and my body are so minimal, it wouldn't change anything.  Definitely not anything noticeable to the naked eye. 

So we wait. And analyze. And over-think.  And burp because we can always blame it on the pregnancy. 

Embryo Transfer

Yesterday was our embryo transfer.  I had to be there at 3:00, with a full bladder.  I was seen at 3:30 by the acupuncturist, with an overflowing bladder.  I was given a Valium to relax the cervix and presumably myself.  He did a treatment to relax me and to direct blood flow to my uterus.  While I lay there, I could barely breathe, my bladder was so full!  So, after 30 minutes of 'cooking' he came in, took out the needles, and got permission from the nurses for me to pee for "3 Mississippi".  They were running about 45 minutes behind, so I guess they took pity on me.  I swear, having a full bladder and being able to empty for 3 seconds is probably worse than just the full bladder. 

We finally moved into the procedure room.  Dr. Slater came in an explained the quality of the embryo's.  Grade 1 is the best, Grade 3 the worst.  Then, each embryo divides and divides into cells, and the more cells, the better.  We were hoping for some Blasts, which are Grade 1 or 2 10+ cells.  Unfortunately, mine didn't get that far.  We were able to freeze one Grade 1, 6 cell; three Grade 2, 6 cells; one Grade 2, 7 cell.  We had four Grade 2, 8 cells (known at C/M.  Don't ask me what that stands for) and they are watching 2 of them to freeze later, and transferred the other two. 

At first, the way she made it sound, it wasn't very promising.  They didn't get as far as she wanted.  But, they didn't arrest, didn't stop growing.  My heart dropped.  Everything had been going so great.  She saw that my face drained of blood and attempted to reassure me that this is not a bad thing.  She sees successful pregnancies all the time from C/M transfers.  Just barely below a Blast.  The way she explained it is that a embryo goes to 8 cells.  Then the next day, they start to look a bit like a raspberry.  The next day, the Blast step, they break out of the raspberry shape.  Mine haven't broken out yet. 

She told us that we have about a 45% success rate with these two embryos.  37% chance of single birth, 8% chance of twins. 
Here's a picture of our babies.  The ones on the top are the 4 day growth, the bottom are what was transferred.

The ultrasound tech located my bladder, which was overflowing.  This is so they can see the uterus better.  Dr. Slater put the catheter in (painless!!) and then showed us where each little embryo was going.  You can't actually see the embryo's on the ultrasound, but you can see the air bubbles.  They are both in between the air bubbles.  I've circled them here:

After the transfer, I got another acupuncture treatment, to again direct blood flow and relax the spirit.  And then I was on my merry way. 

Keith was great last night.  He got me my favorite Lobster Bisque from Jaker's and waited on me hand and foot.  He kissed my belly last night and told our babies goodnight.  He's so optimistic about this!

Honestly, I'm having a hard time being happy right now.  I think it's kinda anti-climatic.  We did so much every day for 2 months, and now...nothing.  Just sitting around and waiting.  I just can't get over what Dr. Slater said and how our chances went from 65-70% to 45%.  Keith keeps reminding me that she also said that a normal 20-year-old woman only has a 20% chance each month naturally.  And she said it was nothing to worry about.  Basically, we got 2 B's on our report card instead of A's.  And we have 2 more B's and a few B-minuses in reserve.  But I just can't seem to shake this funk I've been in since yesterday.  I'm having a hard time being positive, and that is horrible.  I need to think super happy thoughts for these babies to have a chance. 

I go in on the 17th for a baseline Beta blood test.  I won't know the results of that test.  Then, on the 19th, I go in again and we see if the number has increased.  If it has, it is considered a 'chemical pregnancy'.  The embryo's are in there and growing, but not necessarily implanted yet.  If that is the case, 10 days later, I get another blood test.  If the numbers are still going up, we have a viable pregnancy.  This is going to be a LONG 20 days!!! 

So, I'm watching Glee, cuddling with the critters in front of the fire.  I'm reading a good book and just relaxing.  I've been ordered by my husband to sit my butt on that couch and relax.  I'm slouched down as low as possible while I type this out, since we don't have a laptop.  But Dr. Slater did say the embabies don't know the difference between sitting and lying down.  I'm kinda in between. 

That's a good summarizing of how I feel right now, too!  I'm kinda in between.

Fertilization Report

Well, out of my 28 eggs, TWENTY FIVE fertilized!!!! Keith is very proud of his super-sperm. We'll know on Sunday how many are still dividing and when the transfer will be, either Sunday or Tuesday. 25!!

Egg Retrieval

The retrieval was this morning.  Keith had to give his fresh "sample" today, too. 
We got there at 8:30, checked in and I was in the room by 9:00.  The Anesthesist missed the first attempt at an IV on the back of my hand, so he had to go up for the artery in my elbow.  He got it that time. Thankfully, he's nice enough to use some Lidocaine to numb the spot before he starts digging.  They got me all situated on this contraption:

And I was out in 30 seconds.  About 20 minutes later, I was awake and coherent.  I went into a recovery room for about 10 minutes.  Dr. Slater came in and said they got 28 eggs!!! 
TWENTY EIGHT!! 
So, they are washing them and will have 28 little dishes out and attempt to fertilize each and every one.  Tomorrow we'll get a call to know how many fertlized over night.  Then we'll talk to them on Sunday for an update to see if we should do a 3-day transfer on Sunday, or wait for a 5-day on Tuesday.  She's anticipating that we'll get 6-8 viable embryo's so we can freeze 6 and transfer 2. 


I'm home now, catching up on my shows and Keith's renting me some chick-flicks from Redbox.  I've got the heating pad on my belly, and Cleo cuddling right on top of it.

Day 2 U/S

Had another appointment with the Violator today. 
My lining is up to 14.2mm!!!  The left ovary has 23 follies with the largest being 21.4mm, then 21.1, 20.3, 20.1, 19.6, 16.9, 16.6, 16.2, and 15.9.  My right has 18 with one up to 19.3!!! 

So, I am to do the Bravelle only today.  The Trigger shot is tonight!!  This will make my ovaries release all the follicles for the retrieval.  It is scheduled for 9pm, so thankfully I'll still be awake.  The retrieval is set for Thursday at 9am.  The transfer will be on Tuesday, though we don't know what time yet.  Hopefully by this Friday, we'll have a report on egg quality and how many were mature.  We have an instruction class tomorrow at 8:30 so we'll know when to do all the meds and stuff.  I can hardly wait! 


No shots tomorrow!! Woo Hoo!!  Of course, then I get to go on another antibiotic and a steroid.  But, hey, those are just pills!! 

Monday's Ultrasound

Today marks the start of Daily Ultrasounds.  Meet my friend, the Violator:

I go in each morning and get "violated" by Kim, the ultra-nice U/S tech, who did not want her picture taken.  She measures my uterine lining, as well as the size of each ovary and each follicle in each ovary. 

My lining was 12mm thick!!  This is amazingly good, as with the past procedures, I've been a 7 at the most.  Keith said, "I know this is good, but why?"  This is good because that is a nice, thick, warm spot for the little embabies to nuzzle into for 9 months.

So, this is my right ovary: 

She is currently holding about 16 follicles.  The leader of the pack is about 16mm, and then another 16mm and a 14mm.  They want the follies to be about 18 to 20mm, and they grow about 2mm per day.  So, righty is in the game, but not working nearly as hard as:

Lefty!!  Left has about 22 follicles.  The lead is already 20mm.  Then we have 2 18mm's a 17mm and a few 16mm. 

They decided to do another blood test today to see how my Estrodiol (E2) levels are.  My level is currently at 1845, which is perfect. It means I'm not hyperstimulated. So, we're going to do the Lupron only tomorrow to supress ovulation. No stims tomorrow.  I go in for another u/s tomorrow morning at 8:45.  At that time, they are hoping that some more follicles on the right have grown.  She's almost positive that I'll do the trigger shot tomorrow night, which will make the retrieval date for Thursday! 

Tiny update

I had my Estradiol (E2) blood test today.  Each follicle secretes a certain amount of E2 as they get larger.  The E2 level lets the doctor know if I am under- or over-stimulating.  After 5 days on the stims, they want the numbers to be about 250 to 300.  I am at 334.  So, I'm right on track.  They don't think I'm overstimulating and they think a good amount of follicles are maturing.  No changes to my medications.  I go in on Monday for the start of my daily ultrasounds to watch the growth of the follies.  Things are looking good!!

On a side-note, today is my last day that I can have intercourse or do any exercise because my ovaries are getting full and heavy. Since it is in writing, Keith thinks it is doctor's orders.  Ha! 

My friend Becki, and her boyfriend Dennis, are in town this weekend.  I don't know what fun we have planned yet.  However, they watch Diners, Dives & Drive-Ins as well as Man Versus Food quite regularly, and I know places in Boise have been featured on those shows before, so maybe we'll gorge ourselves on some great food! 

Just because

Keith is at some sort of business meeting something-or-another tonight.  That means I get to watch Glee!!!  I always record it and then watch it when he isn't around.  Best. Show. Ever.  He actually will watch it, too, but then he always asks "who's that?" and "Isn't she with so-and-so?" and I have to sigh heavily while I pause it to explain it all to him.  So, this works out perfectly.  It also means that I'm on my own for dinner.  Spiral Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, here I come!

I saw Scott, Acupuncturist Extrodanaire again today.  He is now focusing on making my uterus a welcome environment for an embaby.  He put one needle in the top of my head, so that everything focuses "up".  He also used this infared light on my belly, which made me feel so warm all the way through.  I don't think I've been that relaxed ever.  I swear, he is magic. 

Anyhow, that about sums up my day.  Now I'm off to watch Glee, cook some Chili for tomorrow's work party, and veg with Cleo.  Night!

Breakfast of Champions

Here's a picture of my morning ritual for the next 2 weeks. 

The large vial with the small (orange) syringe is the Lupron.  The vial with the green top is the solution that mixes the other 3 vials, which are powder.  Those are the Follicle Stimulating Hormones (FSH).  The little cap is what actually helps mix them all.  The small peach pill is my aspirin. This helps keep me from clotting, but also causes bruising from the shots about every 4th shot.  The white pill is the Metformin and the MASSIVE purple pill is my pre-natal.  We had to look twice at the bottle to make sure it wasn't a suppository!! 
Keith is having fun being the chemist.  With my supervision, he mixed all three FSH vials into one shot.  It took him a bit to get the hang of it, but he'll have it mastered tomorrow morning.  Since he's still too squeamish to do the shots for me, this is his way to be involved. 

Baseline

I don't think I updated this part...last Monday (10/18) was my last day on the birth control pills.  I guess my body decided to continue to be a team player, because AF came promptly on Wednesday!! This is such good news simply because that means I don't have to take another drug to start it...Now onto the baseline ultrasound and the REAL fun.


To start, it's a Monday Morning.  Those are never fun.  It rained all day yesterday and last night, so the dogs did NOT want to go out for any reason.  Cassi the Siamese couldn't decide if she wanted out or not.  Some glitch in "TV Programming World" had the "reality show" The Hills on instead of the news (shoot me), so I didn't even get a weather update.  But, Boise State is still #3 in the nation, so all is good in the world!

To top it all off, I had it in my head for some reason that my appointment was at 9:00 for some reason.  I was all ready to go and would have gotten there about 10 till 9:00.  Until I got a reminder on my phone that my appointment was at 8:30.  Argh!!  I really should have checked that.  So, at 8:30, I'm rushing out the door, swallowing all my pills, and on the phone with the receptionist telling her I'm a dork, I'm speeding down the street, and I'll be there by 8:45.  Thankfully, they are a understanding office, and I didn't kill anyone on my way in!! 


I finally get there without any speeding tickets or casualties (that I know of).  Keith is already there, just smirking.  We went right in and met Kim, the ultrasound tech.  She was super nice and I love her.  She said we'd be seeing a lot of each other over the next couple of weeks.  She walked us through the whole thing, especially when I told her that I had to update everyone on the blog!  So, my uterus looks perfect.  No adhesions or monsters or anything else bad.  My uterine lining is super thin right now, which is how it should be.  My left ovary had about 25 follicles that she could count.  She was amazed!  The right has about 18!!  This is such a great sign, because each of those could mature into a nice, plump, healthy egg to be retrieved!!  Both ovaries look nice & healthy without any signs of overstimulation. 


Then we met with our coordinator, Janna, again.  She is very excited about the u/s findings.  She showed us how to mix the medications next.  I'll be doing 2 vials of Bravelle and one of Menopur each morning. Each vial is a powder to be mixed.  We'll mix them all into one shot, so I am really only doing 2 shots a day instead of 4.  She mixed them for us, and I did the shot sitting there in her office.  Nothing to it.  Well, Keith was sweating & pale, but nothing to it for me.  And we were done. 


When we checked out, Diane, the lady that checks you out & does the billing, said we were such a pleasure. She knows that this stuff is crazy and hard on people, but we've had such great attitudes and have been so easy to work with.  She said people like us are the kind she always misses because it works the first time around and she never sees us again!!  Woo hoo!! 


Tomorrow I'll post a picture of all the shots & pills.

The emotional rollercoaster

K is out hunting with his brother and nephews this weekend.  He was extremely excited to go out and (hopefully) see Gavin get his first buck.  I always get kinda sad when he leaves, especially since I feel like I really don't have any friends here in Idaho.  I have a few that I get together with on occasion, but for the most part, our lives are all so separate.  I have my single, voraciously independent friends.  They are amazing women.  But, a lot of the time, my married-trying-to-have-babies lifestyle doesn't quite fit in with their social calendars.  I also have our married couple friends.  However, most activities with them are done as "couples" and I'm a broken couple this weekend. 
All of my life-long friends - my "pre-K" friends - live in other states with husbands and kids of their own.  Sometimes I miss Becki & Monica so bad it hurts. There are times when it sucks being an adult. 

Anyhow, today I was doing laundry and catching up on all my shows that I recorded.  At the end of Private Practice, there was a patient who was pregnant and had chronic pain.  Her pain was so bad that her husband couldn't touch her belly to feel the baby kick and that broke his heart.  She had a surgery, the results were perfect (because, of COURSE they were!) and after she was awake, he came in the room to check on her.  She took his hand and put it on her belly and he felt the baby move.  All was perfect in the world. 
I started bawling.  Just uncontrollable crying.  The thoughts of K never being able to feel a baby move in my belly overwhelmed me.  I even tear up as I write this.  So, I just let myself cry for about 20 minutes.  I couldn't seem to stop, no matter how strangely the dogs looked at me.  Cleo kept head-butting me, knowing something was wrong.  Finally, it passed.  I felt stupid. 

I blame it entirely on the medications.  Yes, I'm a fairly emotional person.  I cry like a baby at Extreme Makeover, Home Edition.  I get chills and tears in my eyes when I hear a good, heart-warming song.  But to completely lose control like that?  Thank you Lupron!  One of the biggest side-effects is menopausal-like mood swings.  Get me off this ride!

I have a friend, Courtney, that is going through IVF with Dr. Slater's partner, Dr. Faulk, in November.  She is a week behind me on the whole schedule.  She had to start her Lupron today.  I thought about her all morning, as she is petrified of needles.  She has been positively flipping out about this for weeks now.  I sent her a text message asking how her first shot went.  She informed me that she nearly passed out, felt very nausease and finally had to have her husband give her the shot.  I picture him pinning her down on the bed, ripping the top to the needle off with his teeth, and stabbing it into her belly.  I wish we lived closer just so I could do each shot for her, but she's 3 hours away.  To try and make her feel a bit better, I told her about my blubbering-idiot moment.  She told me to stop being a dummy and turn off the tear-jerkers.  Huh. Logic.

I went to lunch today with one of my feircly independent girlfriends today.  I absolutely adore catching up with Christy.  She brings out the reluctant shopper in me, too.  She helped quickly get rid of any lingering blues and bounce right back into normalcy.  After I got home, I had a delivery at the door:

I bet she didn't expect me to start crying again! 

My life in colors

I realized this morning that I no longer live by a conventional calendar.  I was 2 days late on my nephew's birthday, a day late on my brother's birthday and didn't realize that I had Columbus day off of work.  I used to look at the calendar in the office at home and see when payday was ($), see what days K or I had off work (slash), and know each person's birthday so I could print a card (name of person).  The past month and for the next 6 weeks, that has gone out the window. 

My calendar now looks like this: http://www.my.calendars.net/demaline_ivf/d18/10/2010?authenticate=VFSWHJXKEQOBJUDRBIGHU&display=M&style=B

Color-coded for each drug to take and appointment to keep.  When do I start a drug (green), stop a drug or activity (red), continue on a drug (yellow) or have an appointment (pink).  It's a nifty little tool to have at my disposal, especially since it is online and I can view it from anywhere. 

The one drawback?  There's no room for a LIFE!!  Oh well, sometimes you just gotta sacrifice!

Start the Shots

Yesterday was our first shot class.  We just went over the Lupron instructions, and the nurse made sure I knew the dose to do.  We turned in all our consent forms and made sure they were paid in full.  This is really it!! 

I did my first Lupron shot yesterday.  It is a tiny little insulin needle, so I barely felt a thing.  Afterwards, my stomach itched for about an hour.  I told K it is my “instant itch injection”.  I haven’t felt a ‘side-effect’ as of yet, so fingers crossed it will stay that way.    K is trying to get up his nerve to do the shots for me.  Not that I mind doing them, but he really wants to be as involved as possible.  I told him that we will practice on an orange tonight so he could get the hang of it.  I figure he can’t do too much damage with an insulin needle. 

We also both started the Doxycycline yesterday.  That is just an anti-biotic that we’ll be on for 10 days to make sure that we don’t pass anything back & forth between us.  I started my baby aspirin yesterday as well. 

I go see Scott, the acupuncturist, again today.  I don’t really feel any different from the last visit.  I am getting to sleep without my sleeping pills, which is an improvement, but it is a very light, restless sleep and I wake up quite often, and that’s a new development.  I guess we’ll see what he has to say.  I really like him and am so positive about his help in this whole process.

K is seeing him, too, for the first time today.  He finally relented and decided to see if he can do anything about his back pain.  It will be interesting to see how he does, seeing he has a fear of needles.

Below is a picture of my “breakfast” for the next 10 days.  Lupron, birth control, Metformin, Pre-natal, Doxycycline & baby aspirin.  Yummy!!!

Like an early birthday present

So, we got our box of medications yesterday.  Here's a picture of all of it layed out across our table.  If I was overwhelmed before...

As you can see in the background, Sophie is thrilled over this as well.  Fortunately, for the next two weeks, I just take 17 pills a day.  Most are vitamin supplements or Chinese herbs.  I guess it's better than shots, right?

Schedule of Events!

We had our Plan of Care appointment yesterday.  This is where we got our entire “schedule of events” and instructions on medications.  It was a long appointment, but we got all of our questions answered and are very excited about the whole process!

To start, the “mock transfer” that they did turned out great.  Due to the healthy condition of my ovaries, I am going to be on the lowest dose of medications available, which means less money and less side effects (hopefully).  K’s “swimmers” were perfect - as usual - so they don’t anticipate any problems with fertilization. 

There were many consent forms to read and sign.  Do we agree to do IVF?  Do we understand it isn’t a guarantee?  I agree to use Lupron (more on that in a bit), even though the FDA hasn’t approved it for fertility.  What do we want to do with K’s back-up sample in the case of his death?  What do we want to do with the frozen Embryo’s in the case of my death?  His death?  Both our deaths?   Do we give them permission to do ICSI (manually inserting sperm into the egg) if the eggs don’t fertilize on their own?  There is a lot to consider and a lot of legal junk.  We took all that paperwork home to discuss and sign. 

Here’s a list of the medications I/we will be on:

Birth Control Pills (BCP’s):  These are to help control my cycle and to let my ovaries rest.

Lupron:  This inhibits the release of certain hormones by the pituitary gland, which may interfere with development of healthy, mature eggs.  It is actually only approved by the FDA for use in endometriosis (scars & cysts in the uterus & cervix), but it is the most commonly used medication for IVF cycles.  Lupron causes a false menopause, but the purpose of using it is so my doctor has total and complete control over my cycle.  She explained to us that my 'normal' cycle as we know it no longer exsits.  This is extremely important.

Bravelle & Menopur: both are a follicle stimulating hormone s(FSH) used to stimulate my ovaries to mature a bunch of follicles (pre-eggs). 

Progesterone: This is to keep the lining of my uterus nice and thick so the embryo’s have a soft spot to nuzzle into. 

Metformin: a common diabetic medication, but for me, it will help decrease the chance of miscarriage and gestational diabetes.

HCG: human chorionic gonadotropin.  Say that 3 times fast!  This is known as the “trigger shot”.  This shot will tell my ovaries to release all the mature follicles.

Pre-Natal Vitamins: this is pretty self-explanatory

Baby Aspirin: this is to keep any clots from forming

Doxycyline: Anti-biotic to keep everything nice & healthy around simple procedures

Medrol: Steroid to take after the retrieval since it is a fairly invasive procedure

Then we got our color-coded calendar for the next 6 weeks.  From now until 10/10, I just do my BCP’s and pre-natal vitamins. 

~On 10/11, we got to a shot class, medications in tow.  This will be to confirm that we know just the right amount of Lupron to use and how to administer it.  This is also the final day to pay.  We both start an antibiotic this day as well, and I start on baby aspirin, too.  I will still be on my BCP’s.  The pre-natal, BCP, antibiotic, baby aspirin, Lupron cycle continues for one week. 

~10/18 is the last day I take my BCP’s and 10/20 is the last day for our antibiotics.  I still continue on the Lupron, pre-natal and aspirin. 

~On 10/25, we go in for a baseline ultrasound to see how my ovaries are resting, how my uterine lining is doing and to do another shot class for the FSH shots, which start this day.  I also get a blood test this day to check my hormone levels.  I continue the Lupron shots, FSH shots x 2, pre-natal and aspirin through 10/29.  This is also the last day I am able to exercise and K’s last chance to get lucky for a bit. 

~10/30 leads to yet another blood-draw. 

~11/1 is when the fun truly begins.  I am still on all 3 injectible medications.  Now I go in for daily ultrasounds to see how large the follicles are and how thick my lining is.  Each day after this is touch & go depending on the results.  If they aren’t quite mature, I continue my shots and go in the next morning for another ultrasound. 

Right now, based on my ovaries’ previous response to medications, it is estimated that my trigger shot (HCG) will be done on 11/3.  It is very interesting how this part of the process works.  The trigger shot tells your ovaries to release all mature follicles (called eggs once they are released into the fallopian tubes).  In a normal person, your body naturally does this and you release 1 mature follicle.  After all my drugs, we are hoping to get 18-25 follicles.  Exactly 36 hours after the trigger shot, I will go in for the egg retrieval.   So, I will probably be told to do my trigger shot anywhere from 7:00pm to 1:00am on 11/3 so that the retrieval can be done during normal business hours on 11/5. 

K takes one antibiotic the day prior to the retrieval, so that his fresh sample is healthy.  I will re-start an antibiotic and also start a steroid for the day of the retrieval.  This is because the egg retrieval is done with a needle that goes through the vaginal wall, directly into the fallopian tubes, where all the little eggs are floating around, just waiting to be snatched up.  Since the retrieval requires me to be in a twilight sleep, K will take me there, give his fresh sample while I am in the procedure, and then we’ll have a day of relaxation at home. 

And then we wait.  During this time, each healthy egg will be put in its own little dish (used to be test-tubes).  Then,  50,000 to 100,00 sperm will be put in EACH dish, and the fun begins again.  Friendly people in white lab coats will watch each egg to see if they fertilize and divide cells.  They will watch the eggs for 3 days.  After 3 days, if we have lots of healthy, mature, divided eggs, they will be considered viable embryo’s.  If we have some ‘average’ to ‘good’ embryo’s, they will be transferred on Day 3 to try and grow inside the uterus.  If we have a lot of ‘excellent’ embryo’s, they will wait until day 5 to let them get big & strong before they transfer. 

The estimated transfer date (ET) is currently 11/8 to 11/10.  They will take the embryo’s (1 to 3 max) and place them in my uterus.  Immediately after this, I will rest for 30 minutes in their office, completely laying down.  This is when the acupuncturist will come in and do another treatment.  Studies show that acupuncture done the day of the ET can increase success rates by 20%-50% and decrease miscarriages by 20%.  Plus, it is just so relaxing! 

The next two days are required “Couch Princess” days.  I get to lay around, eat lots of high-fat dairy foods (Ice Cream!!) and be waiting on hand and foot!  I think I’ll be bored pretty quickly, but K will be taking time off to keep me company, and we’ll probably rent every movie at Redbox!

8-10 days later, they will do a blood test for baseline results.  I won’t hear the results of this test, because there won’t be anything to compare them to.  Then, 8-10 days after that, we’ll do another test to see if it worked! 

I know that was a lot of information for us to process, so I’m sure all of my family and friends out there reading this have probably given up by now!  I will be updating you all each step of the way, but that was your crash-course into IVF (at least our IVF). 

I bought the medications today, and they will be delivered tomorrow to K’s bank.  I don’t think he will be quite prepared for the huge, refrigerated box of liquids, powders, creams, pills and syringes!  Thankfully, it wasn’t as much money as we were anticipating for medications, so that is a big bonus!

I go to the acupuncturist, Scott, tonight for my first consult and treatment.  I am very excited about this visit, as he has great reviews from friends, and is highly recommended by Dr. Slater.  Just talking to him on the phone to schedule my appointment made me feel less stressed!  So, I’ll update this about that visit tomorrow! 

3...2...1...

My body decided it wanted to join the team and cooperate for once.  Cycle day 1 yesterday, without any medications!  Of course, we were up in Cascade, in the middle of a 45 mile ATV ride.  I called my doctor's office & left a message for the nurse.  She happened to call me back when we were in the ONE spot that had service.  She said this is a good thing, to get my blood draw when I get back sometime and start on the Birth Control on day 3. 
The birth control is to give my body a nice rest.  Since BC makes your body think it is pregnant, it gives my ovaries a nice, long time to relax and not do any work.  I should be on it for right about 2 months, so things will be moving slowly for a while.  
In the mean time, here's a picture of the cute little cabin we were visiting when the nurse called me.

Step 1: The Consult

K and I scheduled a follow-up consult with Dr. Slater for the 1st of September. Since she hadn't seen us in 2 years, she needed to go over any changes in our medical history and the likes. 
Dr. Slater is very convinced that the appendix issue is the cause of my current problems. Since I'm on the Metformin and it has gotten my glucose/insulin ratio back to normal, that means the insulin resistance is 'cured'. I should be ovulating on my own. I am not. She said appendix issue has cause pelvic lesions, which is keeping me from ovulating. She said the fact that 3 previous IUI's did not work helps confirm this for her.

So, our only option is In-Vitro Fertility, or IVF. It is a long process, starting this month.  They only do IVF cycles every other month, so we would be on the November cycle.  She feels we have a 65-70% chance of success from IVF, with a 40% chance of twins. 
We both had to get some blood drawn at the appointment to make sure we haven't contracted any diseases in the past two years.  K, hater of needles, nearly passed out from the simple blood draw.  That will give me some joking ammunition for a while!

We talked with the financial counselor and got to the nitty-gritty of it all.  She broke down each cost for each procedure, and gave us an estimate for the medications.  I won't get into the details here, but let's just say it isn't cheap. 

We talked about it ourselves and with our wonderful families.  After much discussion, and the full support of the families, we decided it is now or never!  I'm not getting any younger at 31 and the price only goes up with each year as the success rate goes down. 

I called Janna, the IVF coordinator, today to let her know that we are ready to rock and roll.  She is out for the day, and probably out the whole weekend, though they may be open on Monday.  So, this weekend, K and I are going up to Cascade for a relaxing weekend with some friends before the real fun begins. 

This is a long process.  Even though the actual procedure is not until November, the process starts in about a week.  I will update this as time goes on so everyone can follow the progress with us. 

I hope everyone enjoys the ride!!

Let's Start from the Beginning

I'll give everyone a little background on the road so far.  When I was 14, my appendix burst and it was burst for 5 days before we knew it.  I had to have a few surgeries, spent 10 days in the hospital and got to miss a whole bunch of school. All for a useless part of my anatomy. For those that don't know, when you appendix bursts, it leaks poison into your body continuously, which is one of the reasons it is so deadly. The surgeon said it was one of the worst infections he had ever seen. I recovered fully from this without any residual problems...or so we thought.


Fast forward to the near present.  While living in Carson City, my OBGYN, Dr. Tomita, diagnosed me with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).  The name of the condition comes from the appearance of the ovaries in most women with the disorder — enlarged and containing numerous small cysts located along the outer edge of each ovary (polycystic appearance).  The main symptoms of PCOS include infrequent menstrual periods, excess hair growth, acne and obesity.  Thank you Mayo Clinic for the accurate description*.  Another condition that normally goes hand-in-hand with PCOS is insulin resistance.  This is not diabetes, but rather your insulin/glucose ratio is off kilter.  Since insulin is a hormone, it is affected by PCOS. Basically, I don't ovulate like normal women.  If there isn't a little egg to fertilize, there is no baby.  The only time this is a problem, is when you are trying to get pregnant.
There is your medical school training for the day.


We did all the normal 'easy' treatments for PCOS.  It cannot be cured, but you can manage the side-effects enough to go around it.  I went on Metformin, which is a diabetic medication, but is used for the insulin resistance.  I went on Clomid for 7 months, which forces ovulation.  We did a hysterosalpingogram, which basically looks at the tubes and the uterus.  Nothing worked.  I was referred to Dr. Faulk, a "reproductive endocrinologist", otherwise known as a fertility specialist.  However, we moved to Idaho in early 2008, so I wasn't able to see him.  When we got to Idaho, I established care with Dr. Rice.  Dr. Rice performed an intra-uterine insemination (IUI) procedure in May 2008.  This is fondly known as the "turkey baster".  I won't go into the specifics, but all the conditions were perfect.  It failed.  She decided to refer me to Dr. Slater.  Dr. Slater, it turns out, is Dr. Faulk's partner!  What a small world.  We had our consult with Dr. Slater and she noted the appendix issue in my chart.  She thought we should try a couple more IUI's with some more aggressive medications.  Medication, shots, ultrasounds, more shots and the procedure within 2 week time.  Then wait 2 weeks for the results.  Then start all over again.  We did two more procedures that summer, and both failed. 
In August of 2008, my dear Nonni passed away, which was incredibly hard for me.  At that point, K and I decided to take a break from living life in 2-week increments.  It was emotionally breaking and financially not very feasible any longer.  While we didn't realize that our break would be this long, here we are. 

Read on for the current fun!