Since Thursday, I feel as if I'm slowly slipping into a hole. I find myself spacing off, thinking of nothing in particular, but just feeling sad. Occasionally, I cry without a prompt and I know I'm doing it and can't seem to stop. Keith has noticed this about me and tries to cheer me up when he can.
The funny thing is, when I was doing all the treatments, he was so amazingly supportive. He knew that I was supposed to avoid any and all stress, so he made the decisions that needed to be made without consulting with me. He catered to me so I could relax and stick within the 10lb weight limit I had been given. Since the failure, that has stopped. Don't get me wrong, he's still awesome. But he seems to have lost the ability to make any decisions on his own. This morning, he was helping me prepare sweet potatoes for a work luncheon I'm having. He was supposed to cube them after I peeled them (see, still awesome). But, he had to ask "what kind of cubes?" I didn't have a way to explain it, so I answered "I don't know, cube like cubes". He was pretty upset that I didn't give him any more detailed instructions and made sure I knew it. He sure doesn't mind stressing me out now, even if it is just about sweet potatoes! We've been snapping at each other, but I think the stress has just gotten to both of us. Hopefully, we'll get over this little bump quickly, without scars.
I've been trying very hard to stay out of the dark place. It's pretty hard when everyone is asking me the results, and when told, asking me "what's the next step". I guess that's the downside to letting everyone in on the process...answering the questions now without breaking down in the process.
I heard one of my favorite songs today on the radio. This song always keeps me from completely succumbing to the dark place:
Bring on the Rain by Jo Dee Messina & Tim McGraw (sorry, I don't know how to link the music)
Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war
'Cause, tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated and I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing but I'm not dead, no
'Cause, tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain, ooh
I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight
'Cause, tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
'Cause, tomorrow's another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain, ooh
Bring on, bring on the rain
No I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
So bring on the rain, ooh
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Results
Well, we got the official results today that we are NOT pregnant. Kinda figured since I had cramps on Wednesday and started my period yesterday. But they insisted I get the blood test today to confirm. Which it did.
The nurse immediately started talking about a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). We are lucky enough to have 5 so-so quality embryo's frozen. She said that we could do a transfer as early as the middle of December, but really whenever we want to. I told her that it definitely would not be December because we still have to find a way to come up with the money. An FET is the 'discounted' price of $3000. But, she said she also understands if we aren't emotionally ready.
Keith and I spent yesterday at home, wallowing in our sorrow. We were so positive and so optimistic about this working. Even though we're so used to the disappointment of "no" when it comes to this, we were still upbeat. Earlier this week, I started losing that upbeat feeling. I started preparing myself for a negative result. I thought I was ready. But this is much harder than I thought it would be.
I guess we just feel like we put all our eggs in this basket, and the basket just got run over by a steamroller. We put every last penny into this and now we have nothing left over. A lot of couples go on a mini-vacation after an IVF failure. Something to just enjoy each other and get their minds off of the failure. We can't do that, because we literally drained every last resource to pay for this. I think that's where the anger comes in. So angry that the money seems 'wasted'. I know, I know...it's really not because we had to try. We have snow-babies.
But right now, I'm still smothering myself in self-pity. We're both really appreciative of all the support from our family and friends. I know that you all had so much hope for this, just as we did. You all invested prayers and positive thoughts for us, and we're so very, very grateful for that. I've had a few friends ask me how I'm doing. My answer has been, "I'm surviving". That's the best I can do for now.
The nurse immediately started talking about a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). We are lucky enough to have 5 so-so quality embryo's frozen. She said that we could do a transfer as early as the middle of December, but really whenever we want to. I told her that it definitely would not be December because we still have to find a way to come up with the money. An FET is the 'discounted' price of $3000. But, she said she also understands if we aren't emotionally ready.
Keith and I spent yesterday at home, wallowing in our sorrow. We were so positive and so optimistic about this working. Even though we're so used to the disappointment of "no" when it comes to this, we were still upbeat. Earlier this week, I started losing that upbeat feeling. I started preparing myself for a negative result. I thought I was ready. But this is much harder than I thought it would be.
I guess we just feel like we put all our eggs in this basket, and the basket just got run over by a steamroller. We put every last penny into this and now we have nothing left over. A lot of couples go on a mini-vacation after an IVF failure. Something to just enjoy each other and get their minds off of the failure. We can't do that, because we literally drained every last resource to pay for this. I think that's where the anger comes in. So angry that the money seems 'wasted'. I know, I know...it's really not because we had to try. We have snow-babies.
But right now, I'm still smothering myself in self-pity. We're both really appreciative of all the support from our family and friends. I know that you all had so much hope for this, just as we did. You all invested prayers and positive thoughts for us, and we're so very, very grateful for that. I've had a few friends ask me how I'm doing. My answer has been, "I'm surviving". That's the best I can do for now.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Monday Funny
Last night I was talking to one of my dearest friends from high school. She loves children, has been following this blog like a stalker and always knows how to cheer me up. She's also 98% against having children of her own (though I think her nephew is making that number go down just a smidgen). She's been this way as long as I've known her and it's one of the things I love the most about her.
When we were talking, she came back to the fact that I'm most upset that our chances of success went down to 45%. I almost wish our doctor didn't use numbers just for this reason. Her words were "45% is a pretty significant chance. Let me tell you, if someone told me I had a 45% chance of conceiving, I would be scared to death! I'd give up sex all together!"
And I've been floating on that humor cloud all day today. Really puts it in perspective!
When we were talking, she came back to the fact that I'm most upset that our chances of success went down to 45%. I almost wish our doctor didn't use numbers just for this reason. Her words were "45% is a pretty significant chance. Let me tell you, if someone told me I had a 45% chance of conceiving, I would be scared to death! I'd give up sex all together!"
And I've been floating on that humor cloud all day today. Really puts it in perspective!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
2WW
I am currently in the hell affectionately known as the 2 week wait. For women trying to conceive, this is the time between ovulation and your (hopefully) missed period. For fertility patients, it's the time between your treatment and your answer. It's the Longest. Time. Ever.
During the 2ww, I analyze everything in my body. If I burp, was it the soda or pregnancy? I had a dream last night that had a purple cow wearing ballet slippers in it...dream or pregnancy dream? I have to pee 40 times a day...is it the pregnancy flushing out my system, or is it the 40 cups of liquid I drank? I'm tired at 8:00pm on a Saturday. Is it because I'm pregnant, or because I'm curled up on the comfy couch with my BSU Snuggie, my husband, a warm fire and a good book?
One of the worst tortures of the 2ww is that early pregnancy symptoms mimic pre-menstrual symptoms. Some women get weight gain & bloating. Some get spotting from implantation. Some get cramps from implantation. Some notice their boobs feel bigger, sorer and are veiny-er. These can all be signs of pregnancy. These can all be signs of the doom that is the period. These are also all side-effects of Progesterone supplementation, something that anyone doing fertility treatments is required to do until a negative test.
The truth is, it is way too early to know at all. If I am pregnant, the hormones being created by the baby and my body are so minimal, it wouldn't change anything. Definitely not anything noticeable to the naked eye.
So we wait. And analyze. And over-think. And burp because we can always blame it on the pregnancy.
During the 2ww, I analyze everything in my body. If I burp, was it the soda or pregnancy? I had a dream last night that had a purple cow wearing ballet slippers in it...dream or pregnancy dream? I have to pee 40 times a day...is it the pregnancy flushing out my system, or is it the 40 cups of liquid I drank? I'm tired at 8:00pm on a Saturday. Is it because I'm pregnant, or because I'm curled up on the comfy couch with my BSU Snuggie, my husband, a warm fire and a good book?
One of the worst tortures of the 2ww is that early pregnancy symptoms mimic pre-menstrual symptoms. Some women get weight gain & bloating. Some get spotting from implantation. Some get cramps from implantation. Some notice their boobs feel bigger, sorer and are veiny-er. These can all be signs of pregnancy. These can all be signs of the doom that is the period. These are also all side-effects of Progesterone supplementation, something that anyone doing fertility treatments is required to do until a negative test.
The truth is, it is way too early to know at all. If I am pregnant, the hormones being created by the baby and my body are so minimal, it wouldn't change anything. Definitely not anything noticeable to the naked eye.
So we wait. And analyze. And over-think. And burp because we can always blame it on the pregnancy.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Embryo Transfer
Yesterday was our embryo transfer. I had to be there at 3:00, with a full bladder. I was seen at 3:30 by the acupuncturist, with an overflowing bladder. I was given a Valium to relax the cervix and presumably myself. He did a treatment to relax me and to direct blood flow to my uterus. While I lay there, I could barely breathe, my bladder was so full! So, after 30 minutes of 'cooking' he came in, took out the needles, and got permission from the nurses for me to pee for "3 Mississippi". They were running about 45 minutes behind, so I guess they took pity on me. I swear, having a full bladder and being able to empty for 3 seconds is probably worse than just the full bladder.
We finally moved into the procedure room. Dr. Slater came in an explained the quality of the embryo's. Grade 1 is the best, Grade 3 the worst. Then, each embryo divides and divides into cells, and the more cells, the better. We were hoping for some Blasts, which are Grade 1 or 2 10+ cells. Unfortunately, mine didn't get that far. We were able to freeze one Grade 1, 6 cell; three Grade 2, 6 cells; one Grade 2, 7 cell. We had four Grade 2, 8 cells (known at C/M. Don't ask me what that stands for) and they are watching 2 of them to freeze later, and transferred the other two.
At first, the way she made it sound, it wasn't very promising. They didn't get as far as she wanted. But, they didn't arrest, didn't stop growing. My heart dropped. Everything had been going so great. She saw that my face drained of blood and attempted to reassure me that this is not a bad thing. She sees successful pregnancies all the time from C/M transfers. Just barely below a Blast. The way she explained it is that a embryo goes to 8 cells. Then the next day, they start to look a bit like a raspberry. The next day, the Blast step, they break out of the raspberry shape. Mine haven't broken out yet.
She told us that we have about a 45% success rate with these two embryos. 37% chance of single birth, 8% chance of twins.
Here's a picture of our babies. The ones on the top are the 4 day growth, the bottom are what was transferred.
The ultrasound tech located my bladder, which was overflowing. This is so they can see the uterus better. Dr. Slater put the catheter in (painless!!) and then showed us where each little embryo was going. You can't actually see the embryo's on the ultrasound, but you can see the air bubbles. They are both in between the air bubbles. I've circled them here:
After the transfer, I got another acupuncture treatment, to again direct blood flow and relax the spirit. And then I was on my merry way.
Keith was great last night. He got me my favorite Lobster Bisque from Jaker's and waited on me hand and foot. He kissed my belly last night and told our babies goodnight. He's so optimistic about this!
Honestly, I'm having a hard time being happy right now. I think it's kinda anti-climatic. We did so much every day for 2 months, and now...nothing. Just sitting around and waiting. I just can't get over what Dr. Slater said and how our chances went from 65-70% to 45%. Keith keeps reminding me that she also said that a normal 20-year-old woman only has a 20% chance each month naturally. And she said it was nothing to worry about. Basically, we got 2 B's on our report card instead of A's. And we have 2 more B's and a few B-minuses in reserve. But I just can't seem to shake this funk I've been in since yesterday. I'm having a hard time being positive, and that is horrible. I need to think super happy thoughts for these babies to have a chance.
I go in on the 17th for a baseline Beta blood test. I won't know the results of that test. Then, on the 19th, I go in again and we see if the number has increased. If it has, it is considered a 'chemical pregnancy'. The embryo's are in there and growing, but not necessarily implanted yet. If that is the case, 10 days later, I get another blood test. If the numbers are still going up, we have a viable pregnancy. This is going to be a LONG 20 days!!!
So, I'm watching Glee, cuddling with the critters in front of the fire. I'm reading a good book and just relaxing. I've been ordered by my husband to sit my butt on that couch and relax. I'm slouched down as low as possible while I type this out, since we don't have a laptop. But Dr. Slater did say the embabies don't know the difference between sitting and lying down. I'm kinda in between.
That's a good summarizing of how I feel right now, too! I'm kinda in between.
We finally moved into the procedure room. Dr. Slater came in an explained the quality of the embryo's. Grade 1 is the best, Grade 3 the worst. Then, each embryo divides and divides into cells, and the more cells, the better. We were hoping for some Blasts, which are Grade 1 or 2 10+ cells. Unfortunately, mine didn't get that far. We were able to freeze one Grade 1, 6 cell; three Grade 2, 6 cells; one Grade 2, 7 cell. We had four Grade 2, 8 cells (known at C/M. Don't ask me what that stands for) and they are watching 2 of them to freeze later, and transferred the other two.
At first, the way she made it sound, it wasn't very promising. They didn't get as far as she wanted. But, they didn't arrest, didn't stop growing. My heart dropped. Everything had been going so great. She saw that my face drained of blood and attempted to reassure me that this is not a bad thing. She sees successful pregnancies all the time from C/M transfers. Just barely below a Blast. The way she explained it is that a embryo goes to 8 cells. Then the next day, they start to look a bit like a raspberry. The next day, the Blast step, they break out of the raspberry shape. Mine haven't broken out yet.
She told us that we have about a 45% success rate with these two embryos. 37% chance of single birth, 8% chance of twins.
Here's a picture of our babies. The ones on the top are the 4 day growth, the bottom are what was transferred.
The ultrasound tech located my bladder, which was overflowing. This is so they can see the uterus better. Dr. Slater put the catheter in (painless!!) and then showed us where each little embryo was going. You can't actually see the embryo's on the ultrasound, but you can see the air bubbles. They are both in between the air bubbles. I've circled them here:
After the transfer, I got another acupuncture treatment, to again direct blood flow and relax the spirit. And then I was on my merry way.
Keith was great last night. He got me my favorite Lobster Bisque from Jaker's and waited on me hand and foot. He kissed my belly last night and told our babies goodnight. He's so optimistic about this!
Honestly, I'm having a hard time being happy right now. I think it's kinda anti-climatic. We did so much every day for 2 months, and now...nothing. Just sitting around and waiting. I just can't get over what Dr. Slater said and how our chances went from 65-70% to 45%. Keith keeps reminding me that she also said that a normal 20-year-old woman only has a 20% chance each month naturally. And she said it was nothing to worry about. Basically, we got 2 B's on our report card instead of A's. And we have 2 more B's and a few B-minuses in reserve. But I just can't seem to shake this funk I've been in since yesterday. I'm having a hard time being positive, and that is horrible. I need to think super happy thoughts for these babies to have a chance.
I go in on the 17th for a baseline Beta blood test. I won't know the results of that test. Then, on the 19th, I go in again and we see if the number has increased. If it has, it is considered a 'chemical pregnancy'. The embryo's are in there and growing, but not necessarily implanted yet. If that is the case, 10 days later, I get another blood test. If the numbers are still going up, we have a viable pregnancy. This is going to be a LONG 20 days!!!
So, I'm watching Glee, cuddling with the critters in front of the fire. I'm reading a good book and just relaxing. I've been ordered by my husband to sit my butt on that couch and relax. I'm slouched down as low as possible while I type this out, since we don't have a laptop. But Dr. Slater did say the embabies don't know the difference between sitting and lying down. I'm kinda in between.
That's a good summarizing of how I feel right now, too! I'm kinda in between.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Egg Retrieval
The retrieval was this morning. Keith had to give his fresh "sample" today, too.
We got there at 8:30, checked in and I was in the room by 9:00. The Anesthesist missed the first attempt at an IV on the back of my hand, so he had to go up for the artery in my elbow. He got it that time. Thankfully, he's nice enough to use some Lidocaine to numb the spot before he starts digging. They got me all situated on this contraption:
And I was out in 30 seconds. About 20 minutes later, I was awake and coherent. I went into a recovery room for about 10 minutes. Dr. Slater came in and said they got 28 eggs!!!
TWENTY EIGHT!!
So, they are washing them and will have 28 little dishes out and attempt to fertilize each and every one. Tomorrow we'll get a call to know how many fertlized over night. Then we'll talk to them on Sunday for an update to see if we should do a 3-day transfer on Sunday, or wait for a 5-day on Tuesday. She's anticipating that we'll get 6-8 viable embryo's so we can freeze 6 and transfer 2.
I'm home now, catching up on my shows and Keith's renting me some chick-flicks from Redbox. I've got the heating pad on my belly, and Cleo cuddling right on top of it.
We got there at 8:30, checked in and I was in the room by 9:00. The Anesthesist missed the first attempt at an IV on the back of my hand, so he had to go up for the artery in my elbow. He got it that time. Thankfully, he's nice enough to use some Lidocaine to numb the spot before he starts digging. They got me all situated on this contraption:
And I was out in 30 seconds. About 20 minutes later, I was awake and coherent. I went into a recovery room for about 10 minutes. Dr. Slater came in and said they got 28 eggs!!!
TWENTY EIGHT!!
So, they are washing them and will have 28 little dishes out and attempt to fertilize each and every one. Tomorrow we'll get a call to know how many fertlized over night. Then we'll talk to them on Sunday for an update to see if we should do a 3-day transfer on Sunday, or wait for a 5-day on Tuesday. She's anticipating that we'll get 6-8 viable embryo's so we can freeze 6 and transfer 2.
I'm home now, catching up on my shows and Keith's renting me some chick-flicks from Redbox. I've got the heating pad on my belly, and Cleo cuddling right on top of it.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Day 2 U/S
Had another appointment with the Violator today.
My lining is up to 14.2mm!!! The left ovary has 23 follies with the largest being 21.4mm, then 21.1, 20.3, 20.1, 19.6, 16.9, 16.6, 16.2, and 15.9. My right has 18 with one up to 19.3!!!
So, I am to do the Bravelle only today. The Trigger shot is tonight!! This will make my ovaries release all the follicles for the retrieval. It is scheduled for 9pm, so thankfully I'll still be awake. The retrieval is set for Thursday at 9am. The transfer will be on Tuesday, though we don't know what time yet. Hopefully by this Friday, we'll have a report on egg quality and how many were mature. We have an instruction class tomorrow at 8:30 so we'll know when to do all the meds and stuff. I can hardly wait!
No shots tomorrow!! Woo Hoo!! Of course, then I get to go on another antibiotic and a steroid. But, hey, those are just pills!!
My lining is up to 14.2mm!!! The left ovary has 23 follies with the largest being 21.4mm, then 21.1, 20.3, 20.1, 19.6, 16.9, 16.6, 16.2, and 15.9. My right has 18 with one up to 19.3!!!
So, I am to do the Bravelle only today. The Trigger shot is tonight!! This will make my ovaries release all the follicles for the retrieval. It is scheduled for 9pm, so thankfully I'll still be awake. The retrieval is set for Thursday at 9am. The transfer will be on Tuesday, though we don't know what time yet. Hopefully by this Friday, we'll have a report on egg quality and how many were mature. We have an instruction class tomorrow at 8:30 so we'll know when to do all the meds and stuff. I can hardly wait!
No shots tomorrow!! Woo Hoo!! Of course, then I get to go on another antibiotic and a steroid. But, hey, those are just pills!!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Monday's Ultrasound
Today marks the start of Daily Ultrasounds. Meet my friend, the Violator:
I go in each morning and get "violated" by Kim, the ultra-nice U/S tech, who did not want her picture taken. She measures my uterine lining, as well as the size of each ovary and each follicle in each ovary.
My lining was 12mm thick!! This is amazingly good, as with the past procedures, I've been a 7 at the most. Keith said, "I know this is good, but why?" This is good because that is a nice, thick, warm spot for the little embabies to nuzzle into for 9 months.
So, this is my right ovary:
She is currently holding about 16 follicles. The leader of the pack is about 16mm, and then another 16mm and a 14mm. They want the follies to be about 18 to 20mm, and they grow about 2mm per day. So, righty is in the game, but not working nearly as hard as:
Lefty!! Left has about 22 follicles. The lead is already 20mm. Then we have 2 18mm's a 17mm and a few 16mm.
They decided to do another blood test today to see how my Estrodiol (E2) levels are. My level is currently at 1845, which is perfect. It means I'm not hyperstimulated. So, we're going to do the Lupron only tomorrow to supress ovulation. No stims tomorrow. I go in for another u/s tomorrow morning at 8:45. At that time, they are hoping that some more follicles on the right have grown. She's almost positive that I'll do the trigger shot tomorrow night, which will make the retrieval date for Thursday!
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