Don't walk on Eggshells

I've been quiet lately, I know.  I originally started this blog as a way to keep our family & friends updated on the IVF process.  I was so confident in it working, I never imagined what I would have to do if it failed, especially in terms of this little blog.  I was ready to post weekly or monthly stats & updates on how the pregnancy was progressing.  Now, I find myself with nothing much to say, but at the same time, wanting to say so much. 

That being said, please don't walk on eggshells around me or Keith. 
I was talking to a dear friend of mine, J, when we went back to Nevada.  She is about 3 months along now with her 4th little one.  I've known her since her daughter was a toddler (she's now 11).  J let me know that she felt guilty about being pregnant, especially since they were trying to NOT be pregnant.  But, she's always been a don't-sneeze-on-me-or-I'll-be-pregnant kind of person.  And she makes gorgeous kids!  So, she's telling me this, and I noticed that she initially wouldn't use the word "pregnant" and then hesitated before using it later on.  I started thinking about this after we talked and I wondered if it was intentional?  She's a very sensitive person who would take my feelings into her heart, and she's the kind of person that would avoid using the word so it didn't break me apart.  I don't know if it was intentional, or if she was having pregnancy brain, but it started me musing about others as well. 

Some people won't ask us if the IVF worked.  They hint around about it, dance circles around the subject, but don't specifically ask.  Some ask, but then obviously don't want to discuss the answer once they hear "no".  They immediately change the subject.  The majority of people simply avoid the subject.  If it is brought up, they are obviously uncomfortable discussing it. 

I'll clue you in on our feelings:
We're devastated.
It sucks.  Royally.  We spent many days & night crying about it.  I still get very emotional, especially when I see pregnant people.  That's my Kryptonite.  I can handle seeing babies, it's the pregnancies that get me.  But, I don't want people to avoid the subject.  I've come to grips with it and I won't break by discussing it.  I'm still of the mindset that education is everything, so if I can open one more person's eyes to the reality of infertility, I'm all for it.  I may get emotional, but I will be hurt if you avoid me because of it. 

We're pissed. 
We put every spare penny we had into this and we feel like we have nothing to show for it.  In reality, we know that isn't true.  We're in the lucky 30% that had embryos to freeze.  We don't have to start from scratch to try again.  We only have to come up with about 1/3 of the money to do a frozen cycle.  But that seems like an unobtainable goal right now. We don't know when we'll have that kind of money available again, since we're now paying on the loan we took out to get there in the first place.  So, yes, we may be angry, sometimes even bitter, at the situation as a whole. 

We're strong.
We're getting used to the fact that we end up consoling others.  You all have been with us every step of the way, and we know that you put your prayers and thoughts and 'sticky dust' behind our success 100%.  Knowing this, we also know that your hearts broke a bit, too.  So, we will readily accept your hugs just as we willingly give our own.

We're in love.
And that's all that truly matters.  We are nowhere close to being ready to give up on our dream of a baby.  But until we have that baby, we have each other.  We are content in each other's company.  We still entertain ourselves and relish our time together, without a crying baby or demanding toddler.  We're trying to squeeze in every moment of "adult time" while we can, so we can wholly be there for our future children, without regrets of what we may be missing. 

So, this coming weekend, we're doing dinner & date night, to celebrate the 5 year anniversary of our first date.  In 3 weeks, weather permitting, we're heading to Elko to lavish our nephews & niece with love & attention & goodies.  And until we have a baby to join us, we're making the best out of the families we already have.  Our fur-babies, Sophie, Oz, Cassi & Cleo included.