A Day For Firsts

Let me start by saying the word "firsts" looks so odd to me, I re-wrote it three times. Anyhooooo...

I'm going to keep this short, mostly because I'm typing it on my iPad while eating ready for work & getting the shot ready. I'm also exhausted. Mom & Fred came up for the weekend. We didn't do too much (motor home shopping for the retired-folk, Warhawk museum, food!), but I'm still tired! 

I actually typed this up on April 1st, but decided I wanted to put pictures up, so I am not posting until the 2nd so I could get pictures in the morning of the chemistry lesson. 

Today was my first day at my new job. It was a usual first day: meeting everyone, but not remembering a single name. Waiting a few hours for a computer. Pillaging for supplies.  I will be getting most of my old claims back, which is wonderful, because at least I will know what was going on. 

I had my first resting ultrasound today. Now that I've been on the Lupron for 2 weeks, everything is sleeping. All looked good. My ovaries were asleep, which is what they want. Each ovary had about 20 resting follicles. The goal is to try & make about 2/3 of the follicles make an egg each, so that's a great number! 

I started the Follicle Stimulating Hormones (FSH) shots today. We are doing one different medication this time around, and I was a bit overwhelmed! 

First I draw up the saline, about 1cc.  Then I put that into the powder Menopur and mix them. 

Then I draw up the Gonal-F (3ml). 

Then I mix that into the Menopur. 

Mix all ingredients together and inject. 

I still do the Lupron shot as well.  So, I'm only doing 2 shots each day because two of them are mixed together. I'm already bruised from yesterday's FSH shot. Oh joy! But, they don't hurt. Still a tiny needle, as you can see. 

Sorry it's a boring post, I'm all out of funny for the day. Next visit is Saturday to see how the follies are responding to the stimulation (C'mon, it sounds a little dirty, right?!). 

Big Baby Step!

If, at approximately 7:35a.m. MST, you felt the world stop turning for a fraction of a second; you weren’t imaging things. It really happened.

Keith gave me a shot this morning!!!! Mister I’m-so-terrified-of-needles-I-don’t-even-like-seeing-them-on-TV, gave me my Lupron shot this morning. It took some convincing that I seriously cannot feel the needle since it’s an insulin needle. It’s also a very small amount of fluid. I finally got through to him when I told him it’s about the size of an acupuncture needle.

He was so gentle, I had to tell him to push harder to actually break the skin with the needle, but after that, he did great! He didn’t push the needle in when he pushed the plunger. He didn’t even make me bleed!

Have I created a monster? Probably not. I don’t know that he’ll be able to handle a 22-gauge with 4cc of fluid and figuring out the bevel-down, draw back for blood issue. Heck, I don’t know if I want to teach him that as the pincushion. But, this is one heck of a baby-step for him!

Let's get this party started!

Tomorrow, March 18, I start The Lupron shots. What is Lupron, you ask? 

So, I asked the smart interwebz invisible doctors and this is what they said: 

Doc Holliday says "Lupron (leuprolide) overstimulates the body's own production of certain hormones, which causes that production to shut down temporarily."

Doctor Quinn, medicine woman says "Leuprolide usually causes women to stop ovulating or having menstrual periods."

Sally asks: "What is Lupron and why do I need to take it?"

Dr. McDreamy says "It is used to decrease the amount of hormone you make for a short time and to prevent an “early LH surge” or ovulation. This LH surge happens when the ovaries release the eggs (i.e. ovulate) before the desired time or before the time of the egg retrieval."

So, there you have it. A bunch of smart people explain stuff for us. Gotta love the world wide dictionary. 

Yep, so I start this magical shot tomorrow to put my reproductive system to bed for a while. I will continue taking my mint flavored birth control pills (not only are the minty fresh, they taste this way to encourage youngsters to chew them if needed. So many things wrong with that statement).  Considering the stupid birth control has had me spotting for three weeks (WHOPPEEE, not), maybe the Lupron with smack that bitch down.  

Last week, I took K's back-up sample on down to Doc Slater for washing & freezing. His swimmers we nuzzled in a biohazard plastic bag between my boobies on the trip there. A friend called it the clean-freak's pearl necklace. 

This past weekend, I got all productive and got my crap in order. I made our fertility calendars for the next two months.  I wrote down our appointments and medication schedules. We both get to be on Doxycycline for 10 days for some reason I'm not clear on.  That starts tomorrow with my Lupron shot. 

Here's the calendars. They will be updated April 1st after the baseline ultrasound and they add in the FSH shots (follicle stimulating hormones). Looks like I will be on 3-4 a day from that point forward. 

Here is what 2 months of calendars look like for our cycle:

Here is what $3,000 of cold, hard cash will get you in the pharmaceutical world. 

 

In case counting isn't in your evening plans, that's 10 boxes of injectable fun, 4 bottles of oral fun, and 28 days of vaginal suppository fun!  Oh, and a shit-ton of needles, alcohol swabs, baby band aides, and a sharps container to tie it all together.  This picture does NOT show the horse-size prenatal vitamins, or the baby aspirin I forgot to buy. Or the minty flavored-possibly chewable-birth control. 

I'll keep you updated on how the shots progress. Tons and tons of exciting things happening for me in the next few weeks that I can't wait to tell y'all about! 

Breakdown #1

Im pretty good at avoiding breakdowns. I may get watery eyes on occasion, or feel bitter, but a full blown breakdown is rare. It is weak, and I need to be strong. 

But tonight, watching my favorite show "How I Met Your Mother", Lily told Marshall she was pregnant. Marshall said they are going to Italy. She says they can't have a baby in Italy and give up his judge-ship. He says they are going to Italy to live her dream because she's giving him his dream, again (as he rubs her belly). 

I was done. Broken. I started bawling. 

What if? What if I can't make Keith a daddy? He deserves to be a daddy. 

What if my parents and his parents don't get to meet their grandchildren? Not to sound morbid, but both our dads turn 70 this year. That's not exactly young. I want them to love and KNOW our children. I want our children to have memories of gramma, gramps, nonna, poppop, Grammy, grandpa & grandma. I don't want just baby pictures. I want memories for everyone. 

What if this doesn't work soon enough and they don't meet?  What if my body & fate/god don't play this game fast enough? 

So, I had my breakdown. Keith loved on me. Moxie hasn't stopped snuggling with me. I know I'm loved. And I know our baby will be loved. When the time comes. I just hope it comes quickly. I'm not the most patient person, especially after 7 years of trying...

End breakdown. 

Here is Moxie's "don't cry mom" face:

Let's play Catch Up. Again.

Once again, it’s been nearly a year since I’ve updated this darn thing. I just really don’t want to bore people with stuff that is, well, boring. Heck, I’m pretty sure I’ve even typed that same boring sentence on a previous post. Sorry ‘bout that.

Let’s see…a tiny catch up. We’ve just been living life & enjoying our childless time. We know how good we’ve got it right now, and we are taking full advantage of it while we can. The only big change we’ve had is my job (yes, again!). I finally got my foot in the door getting back into worker’s compensation claims. I LOVED doing work comp in Nevada. I looked forward to work (nearly) every day, and I was damn good at my job. I was having a very difficult time finding a job here in Idaho handling claims. Turns out that you have to be licensed in Idaho. I had an interview with my company in June, and they hired someone who was licensed. That’s when I first heard of it, so I ordered the material and studied a bit. That same company contacted me in September for an interview. At the interview, I was told that they wanted to hire me, but I could get paid what I was worth if I was licensed. So, I buckled down, took the test, got my license and had a job offer 2 days later. I’ve been working here since September 30th and loving it. It is SO different from Nevada, it’s a lot to learn, but my brain feels refreshed and stimulated daily!

K finishes his last year in school in July. He’s attending the Graduate School of Retail Bank Management. It’s a pretty big deal for him! I’m planning on flying down to South Carolina with another couple and we’re going to attend his graduation, then take a week to stay in Myrtle Beach. 5 months and counting!!

Now, back to the point of this whole blog (and the only reason you’ve hung on this long): we are doing another IVF! We looked into a lot of options and the best one was to stay here with our doctor. We sat down & had a long talk with her back on January 20th (our 7th anniversary, btw). She said that she still feels very confident that IVF will work for us. They’ve got a program that is a refund program. It’s a lot of money, but it is 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles, and if we don’t take a baby home after that, we get 80% of the money back. We did the initial lab testing that day. My AMH (Anti-Mullerian hormone) was excellent (anything over 3 is great, I was 11). This is basically a test of egg reserve. We did a voluntary genetic testing as well, as there is a company that offers it free if insurance doesn’t pay. That all came back clean.

Today I had my water ultrasound. This basically checks to make sure my uterus hasn’t grown poisoned tentacles or bottomless caverns or anything. Everything looked great and smooth and “hospitable”. She checked out each ovary. At the current resting state, my right ovary had about 10 viewable follicles and my left had about 13. This is a great sign! It means I should have lots of little eggies to produce when the shots start.

Here’s a picture of some of the stuff used in the ultrasound.

Basically, they use the giant Q-tips to swab around, then put the full catheter of water in with the wand (not pictured) and then swab again. It’s slightly uncomfortable and incredibly wet.

We got our calendar today. Initially boring. I stay on the birth control (to keep everything resting) for another month. I’ll start the first follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) Lupron on 3/18. K & I will both start an antibiotic at that time for 10 days. April 1st is when the fun begins. So, you may not hear from me until then, but come April 1st, strap yourself in for the ride with us!

Surviving Mother's Day

Normally, I can keep myself out from under the black cloud of depression and dig myself out of the gaping hole of sorrow that accompanies infertility. I put on a very brave face, and for the most part, it isn't an act. I have a good life, and I focus on what I have and enjoy the moments of peace. 

I love summer. I love the warm mornings, the long evenings, the flip-flops, the swimming, the camping...the list goes on and on. What I don't love about summer is the two most painful days of the year: Mother's Day and Father's Day. I love my mom.  She is my best friend.  I didn't realize that I liked her until I was an adult, but that tends to happen with snotty teenagers. I enjoy celebrating her as my mom. But for me, Mother's Day is also the day that the knife in my heart gets twisted, jabbed in and out, and spit on a few times. Mother's Day is the sole day set as a reminder of what I am not. And what I may never be. What I may never have. (I love our fur-babies, but I seriously don't consider myself a "mom" because I feed and walk a dog or scoop a cat box).  

Father's Day is painful, too.  It is the day to remind me that I have failed my husband. I have failed to fulfill his wish to be a dad and to give a child the great experiences that his dad gave him. Father's Day doesn't seem to bother K as much as it bothers me. But he deserves to be a dad. And I can't give that to him. 

So, as I sit here wallowing in my own self-pity, I just ask you to remember you infertile friends on these days. I don't ever want to take any of your joy or happiness, and you are all amazing inspirations to us as parents. I know this is a buzz-kill, and I don't mean it to be. I don't really have an ending to this black posting. So I'm linking some etiquette rules for dealing with buzz-kills like me when we get on pity-me rampages :)

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Update, Rant, References in no particular order

The reference letters have gone out. One of the references was nice enough to snap some pictures so I know what they are asking about us. I know that our friends don’t see it as a nuisance, but it seems…off putting…to me to ask others to take the time and fill out 4 pages of mini-essays. These people have lives, too! Plus, this was done 5 years ago! We haven’t become felons or mass-murderers since that time (trust me, they check the criminal history backgrounds). Here are some of the questions asked of our references:

Q: Characterize their ability to tolerate challenging or negative behaviors or emotions in themselves or others. Hypothetical Answer (HA): if it is negative behavior in each other, they’ll smack each other upside the head and move on. This probably applies for kids, as well.
Q. Characterize their ability to deal with rejection by a child.
HA: isn’t life all about rejections? I was a total dork in high school and was rejected constantly.
Q: Describe their ability to delay their own gratification such as affection, respect, sleep & personal time. HA: Nope, all about the instant gratification. Sheesh. How about 6+ years trying to have a baby? If there is a better example of delayed gratification, I’d like to know! Move along.
Q: Describe their ability to find happiness in small increments of improvement or change in others.
HA: we married each other, didn’t we?
Q (my personal favorite): if for some reason you were unable to care for your children, would you feel comfortable in allowing the applicants to care for them on a permanent basis? Why or why not?
HA: Only if I want my kids to be rednecks like K!

I’m so glad that the friends we chose to be references have a good sense of humor and don’t mind the semantics of government questioning. In my opinion, the questionnaires should be this simple:
Q: Are they good people? If yes, proceed to next question. If No, STOP & return forms.
Q: Do they enjoy beating children for recreation? If yes, STOP and return forms. If No, proceed to next question. And so on.

On a different note, we went to what I was told was an “orientation” for foster & adoption. What it really was was a recruitment meeting to try & reel in more prospective foster parents. K was extremely upset about going, as it was 2 hours of his evening for things we’ve already heard. I insisted we go. Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment, because he was right. It ended up being 2 hours of this: foster care is great!! We support you. We give you help when needed. The birth parents are great people. The State loves you. The kids aren’t too bad all the time.
We actually had a hard time keeping straight faces and not scoffing or laughing during a lot of it. Granted, our past experience was basically a fluke. Everything that could go wrong, did. We had a horrendous licensing worker whose response to everything was “if you had kids of your own…” like we were complete effing morons who knew nothing about life, children, human beings or common sense because we didn’t have kids of our own.
(Tangent warning) This is probably the biggest thorn in my side in general. NO, we don’t have kids of our own. This is NOT by choice. YES, we know everything is different when you have kids. YES, we know that we can’t really comprehend how hard/time consuming/exhausting/rewarding it is to have children because we don’t have them. I GET IT!!! We definitely know how to enjoy our free time now, spend money on vacations, sleep in, stay up late, go to concerts, etc. We KNOW that will all change with the first kid. HOWEVER, just because we don’t have kids, doesn’t mean we are stupid. I babysat from the age of 13. Not my siblings, but stranger’s children, whom I found by going door to door advertising my “expertise”. My youngest sibling is 1.5 years younger than me. There was no raising of him. There was no babysitting him (yeah, like he would have EVER listened to me as an authority figure!). I have a lot of nieces and nephews. I have friends with children. I’ve had friends with children who have lived with me. I’ve worked in hospitals and as a family practice MA. I gave shots to your kids. I’ve done foster care. I’ve been a GAL/CASA for kids in foster care. I’ve done it, and some of it is a lot harder than just normal kids. So, to sum up, having-or not having-kids of our own is NOT an answer. Oh, also, you having kids does NOT make you better than me. I know you are working harder than I am and you are raising a functional human being, but you’re not better than me. Which brings me to a hilarious web-site: http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/ Good fun for parents and non-parents alike.

Anyhow, with our previous experience with foster care, the State gave us the kids and disappeared. There was no response to numerous phone messages. Nobody read emails and some even came back as undeliverable. It took me 9 hours to get permission to take the youngest to a doctor for an ear infection. We weren’t allowed to cut the hair of the oldest even though her lice was so bad, she was being bitten in the face. We were the prime example of “out of sight, out of mind” and K’s favorite saying “Not my fucking problem”.
One thing they told everyone in the orientation meeting is that “We are a team. We work together. If something needs to get done that you, as a foster parent cannot do without permission, we get it from the administrator without problem.” What they failed to mention to the other glassy-eyed people (my cousin excluded) was the process of permission:
1. Foster parent (FP) leaves voicemail for case worker.
2. FP leaves three more voicemails and sends three emails over the course of 5 days.
3. Case-worker finally gets annoyed & calls FP back, discusses issue & says “I’ll talk with the administrator to get permission and call you right back.
4: repeat steps 1 & 2.
5: Day 10-case worker calls back, says it is still “in review”.
6: repeat steps 1 & 2.
7: Answer is yes, paperwork will be processed, sent to court, added to case plan, discussed with birth parents and you will be informed of when you can go forward. OR answer is no. Deal with it.
Phew, that was a LONG 3 weeks just to see if you have permission to take the child to the water park.

I guess it is a good thing that we are experienced now in how this really works. We know that we can be picky, because they will push us to do things we don’t want. We know to be a pain in the ass and make them call us back just to shut us up. We also know THEY NEED US, not the other way around. We want to do this. We want to help kids. But we will not be bullied in the process. And trust me, They. Will. Try.

Conclusion: We’re very thankful that we don’t have to go through the training again!! It is 27 hours of the same unicorns-and-butterflies-and-rainbows stuff that the orientation was.
I got fingerprinted yesterday & K goes next week. The next step is just waiting for the criminal back ground checks to be done and schedule a home visit.