Overachieving, stim days 5 & 8

Apparently, I'm an overachiever. 

Saturday was stim-day 5, which simply means I was stimulating my ovaries for 5 days with medications. I had been doing Lupron daily (to stop my body from trying to ovulate), as well as 300 of Gonal-F and 1 vial of Menopur. I had a blood test Saturday to check estrogen levels (E2). That gives them an idea of how well the body is responding to the medications and stimulating. By stim-day 5, ideal E2 is between 500 and 1000. Mine was 1159. 

Overachiever. 

They reduced the dose oh Gonal-F for 2 days, and only Lupron today until after the ultrasound. 

Now, keep in mind: 8 days ago, I had about 20 resting follicles in each ovary. The hope was that about half in each would mature to 12-18mm. That's around 20 viable eggs to hope for at retrieval. 

Today was stim-day 8 and the first ultrasound of my ovaries.  They found 39 measurable eggs! That's 39 eggs above 8mm. 24 of those were ALREADY above 12mm. And they tend to grow 1-2mm a day. So, doc is thinking she will get close to 30 eggs!!!

Overachiever. 

Here's a picture of the right ovary. All the black circles are follicles/eggs that can be seen in that view. They move the wand around & prod to measure others. 

Here's lefty. Lefty has more, which seems correct, since that's the side I feel fuller on. 

And boy, do I feel full!!  I tell Keith I feel like I have gas, but I can't fart. To put it in perspective, each ovary is normally the size of a small almond. Right now, each ovary is the size of a tomato. Not a cherry tomato, an actual tomato. On each side.  Youch!

The stim-day 8 ideal E2 level is 2000 to 2500. I'm at 4024. 

Overachiever. 

Oh, and my lining - ideally 7mm - is at 13.3mm. That's a whole lot of cushion for a sticky bean to snuggle in to!

Overachiever. 

So, now, for today, I'm down to Lupron and 75 of Gonal-F only, no Menopur. I have another ultrasound & bloodwork tomorrow morning. The nurse said I'm doing so well, I may actually trigger tomorrow, which would put my retrieval date as Friday. Wow!

Keith wanted me to add that he's the best husband ever (he really is). Because the clinic only does IVF every other month, every patient in there right now is somewhere in the IVF process like us. The waiting room fills up really quickly. The waiting room is all women except for him and one other husband. Most wives do the ultrasounds alone. Not me. He's there for every appointment, no matter how small. 

(He's an overachiever, too). 

A Day For Firsts

Let me start by saying the word "firsts" looks so odd to me, I re-wrote it three times. Anyhooooo...

I'm going to keep this short, mostly because I'm typing it on my iPad while eating ready for work & getting the shot ready. I'm also exhausted. Mom & Fred came up for the weekend. We didn't do too much (motor home shopping for the retired-folk, Warhawk museum, food!), but I'm still tired! 

I actually typed this up on April 1st, but decided I wanted to put pictures up, so I am not posting until the 2nd so I could get pictures in the morning of the chemistry lesson. 

Today was my first day at my new job. It was a usual first day: meeting everyone, but not remembering a single name. Waiting a few hours for a computer. Pillaging for supplies.  I will be getting most of my old claims back, which is wonderful, because at least I will know what was going on. 

I had my first resting ultrasound today. Now that I've been on the Lupron for 2 weeks, everything is sleeping. All looked good. My ovaries were asleep, which is what they want. Each ovary had about 20 resting follicles. The goal is to try & make about 2/3 of the follicles make an egg each, so that's a great number! 

I started the Follicle Stimulating Hormones (FSH) shots today. We are doing one different medication this time around, and I was a bit overwhelmed! 

First I draw up the saline, about 1cc.  Then I put that into the powder Menopur and mix them. 

Then I draw up the Gonal-F (3ml). 

Then I mix that into the Menopur. 

Mix all ingredients together and inject. 

I still do the Lupron shot as well.  So, I'm only doing 2 shots each day because two of them are mixed together. I'm already bruised from yesterday's FSH shot. Oh joy! But, they don't hurt. Still a tiny needle, as you can see. 

Sorry it's a boring post, I'm all out of funny for the day. Next visit is Saturday to see how the follies are responding to the stimulation (C'mon, it sounds a little dirty, right?!). 

Big Baby Step!

If, at approximately 7:35a.m. MST, you felt the world stop turning for a fraction of a second; you weren’t imaging things. It really happened.

Keith gave me a shot this morning!!!! Mister I’m-so-terrified-of-needles-I-don’t-even-like-seeing-them-on-TV, gave me my Lupron shot this morning. It took some convincing that I seriously cannot feel the needle since it’s an insulin needle. It’s also a very small amount of fluid. I finally got through to him when I told him it’s about the size of an acupuncture needle.

He was so gentle, I had to tell him to push harder to actually break the skin with the needle, but after that, he did great! He didn’t push the needle in when he pushed the plunger. He didn’t even make me bleed!

Have I created a monster? Probably not. I don’t know that he’ll be able to handle a 22-gauge with 4cc of fluid and figuring out the bevel-down, draw back for blood issue. Heck, I don’t know if I want to teach him that as the pincushion. But, this is one heck of a baby-step for him!

Let's get this party started!

Tomorrow, March 18, I start The Lupron shots. What is Lupron, you ask? 

So, I asked the smart interwebz invisible doctors and this is what they said: 

Doc Holliday says "Lupron (leuprolide) overstimulates the body's own production of certain hormones, which causes that production to shut down temporarily."

Doctor Quinn, medicine woman says "Leuprolide usually causes women to stop ovulating or having menstrual periods."

Sally asks: "What is Lupron and why do I need to take it?"

Dr. McDreamy says "It is used to decrease the amount of hormone you make for a short time and to prevent an “early LH surge” or ovulation. This LH surge happens when the ovaries release the eggs (i.e. ovulate) before the desired time or before the time of the egg retrieval."

So, there you have it. A bunch of smart people explain stuff for us. Gotta love the world wide dictionary. 

Yep, so I start this magical shot tomorrow to put my reproductive system to bed for a while. I will continue taking my mint flavored birth control pills (not only are the minty fresh, they taste this way to encourage youngsters to chew them if needed. So many things wrong with that statement).  Considering the stupid birth control has had me spotting for three weeks (WHOPPEEE, not), maybe the Lupron with smack that bitch down.  

Last week, I took K's back-up sample on down to Doc Slater for washing & freezing. His swimmers we nuzzled in a biohazard plastic bag between my boobies on the trip there. A friend called it the clean-freak's pearl necklace. 

This past weekend, I got all productive and got my crap in order. I made our fertility calendars for the next two months.  I wrote down our appointments and medication schedules. We both get to be on Doxycycline for 10 days for some reason I'm not clear on.  That starts tomorrow with my Lupron shot. 

Here's the calendars. They will be updated April 1st after the baseline ultrasound and they add in the FSH shots (follicle stimulating hormones). Looks like I will be on 3-4 a day from that point forward. 

Here is what 2 months of calendars look like for our cycle:

Here is what $3,000 of cold, hard cash will get you in the pharmaceutical world. 

 

In case counting isn't in your evening plans, that's 10 boxes of injectable fun, 4 bottles of oral fun, and 28 days of vaginal suppository fun!  Oh, and a shit-ton of needles, alcohol swabs, baby band aides, and a sharps container to tie it all together.  This picture does NOT show the horse-size prenatal vitamins, or the baby aspirin I forgot to buy. Or the minty flavored-possibly chewable-birth control. 

I'll keep you updated on how the shots progress. Tons and tons of exciting things happening for me in the next few weeks that I can't wait to tell y'all about! 

Breakdown #1

Im pretty good at avoiding breakdowns. I may get watery eyes on occasion, or feel bitter, but a full blown breakdown is rare. It is weak, and I need to be strong. 

But tonight, watching my favorite show "How I Met Your Mother", Lily told Marshall she was pregnant. Marshall said they are going to Italy. She says they can't have a baby in Italy and give up his judge-ship. He says they are going to Italy to live her dream because she's giving him his dream, again (as he rubs her belly). 

I was done. Broken. I started bawling. 

What if? What if I can't make Keith a daddy? He deserves to be a daddy. 

What if my parents and his parents don't get to meet their grandchildren? Not to sound morbid, but both our dads turn 70 this year. That's not exactly young. I want them to love and KNOW our children. I want our children to have memories of gramma, gramps, nonna, poppop, Grammy, grandpa & grandma. I don't want just baby pictures. I want memories for everyone. 

What if this doesn't work soon enough and they don't meet?  What if my body & fate/god don't play this game fast enough? 

So, I had my breakdown. Keith loved on me. Moxie hasn't stopped snuggling with me. I know I'm loved. And I know our baby will be loved. When the time comes. I just hope it comes quickly. I'm not the most patient person, especially after 7 years of trying...

End breakdown. 

Here is Moxie's "don't cry mom" face:

Let's play Catch Up. Again.

Once again, it’s been nearly a year since I’ve updated this darn thing. I just really don’t want to bore people with stuff that is, well, boring. Heck, I’m pretty sure I’ve even typed that same boring sentence on a previous post. Sorry ‘bout that.

Let’s see…a tiny catch up. We’ve just been living life & enjoying our childless time. We know how good we’ve got it right now, and we are taking full advantage of it while we can. The only big change we’ve had is my job (yes, again!). I finally got my foot in the door getting back into worker’s compensation claims. I LOVED doing work comp in Nevada. I looked forward to work (nearly) every day, and I was damn good at my job. I was having a very difficult time finding a job here in Idaho handling claims. Turns out that you have to be licensed in Idaho. I had an interview with my company in June, and they hired someone who was licensed. That’s when I first heard of it, so I ordered the material and studied a bit. That same company contacted me in September for an interview. At the interview, I was told that they wanted to hire me, but I could get paid what I was worth if I was licensed. So, I buckled down, took the test, got my license and had a job offer 2 days later. I’ve been working here since September 30th and loving it. It is SO different from Nevada, it’s a lot to learn, but my brain feels refreshed and stimulated daily!

K finishes his last year in school in July. He’s attending the Graduate School of Retail Bank Management. It’s a pretty big deal for him! I’m planning on flying down to South Carolina with another couple and we’re going to attend his graduation, then take a week to stay in Myrtle Beach. 5 months and counting!!

Now, back to the point of this whole blog (and the only reason you’ve hung on this long): we are doing another IVF! We looked into a lot of options and the best one was to stay here with our doctor. We sat down & had a long talk with her back on January 20th (our 7th anniversary, btw). She said that she still feels very confident that IVF will work for us. They’ve got a program that is a refund program. It’s a lot of money, but it is 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles, and if we don’t take a baby home after that, we get 80% of the money back. We did the initial lab testing that day. My AMH (Anti-Mullerian hormone) was excellent (anything over 3 is great, I was 11). This is basically a test of egg reserve. We did a voluntary genetic testing as well, as there is a company that offers it free if insurance doesn’t pay. That all came back clean.

Today I had my water ultrasound. This basically checks to make sure my uterus hasn’t grown poisoned tentacles or bottomless caverns or anything. Everything looked great and smooth and “hospitable”. She checked out each ovary. At the current resting state, my right ovary had about 10 viewable follicles and my left had about 13. This is a great sign! It means I should have lots of little eggies to produce when the shots start.

Here’s a picture of some of the stuff used in the ultrasound.

Basically, they use the giant Q-tips to swab around, then put the full catheter of water in with the wand (not pictured) and then swab again. It’s slightly uncomfortable and incredibly wet.

We got our calendar today. Initially boring. I stay on the birth control (to keep everything resting) for another month. I’ll start the first follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) Lupron on 3/18. K & I will both start an antibiotic at that time for 10 days. April 1st is when the fun begins. So, you may not hear from me until then, but come April 1st, strap yourself in for the ride with us!

Surviving Mother's Day

Normally, I can keep myself out from under the black cloud of depression and dig myself out of the gaping hole of sorrow that accompanies infertility. I put on a very brave face, and for the most part, it isn't an act. I have a good life, and I focus on what I have and enjoy the moments of peace. 

I love summer. I love the warm mornings, the long evenings, the flip-flops, the swimming, the camping...the list goes on and on. What I don't love about summer is the two most painful days of the year: Mother's Day and Father's Day. I love my mom.  She is my best friend.  I didn't realize that I liked her until I was an adult, but that tends to happen with snotty teenagers. I enjoy celebrating her as my mom. But for me, Mother's Day is also the day that the knife in my heart gets twisted, jabbed in and out, and spit on a few times. Mother's Day is the sole day set as a reminder of what I am not. And what I may never be. What I may never have. (I love our fur-babies, but I seriously don't consider myself a "mom" because I feed and walk a dog or scoop a cat box).  

Father's Day is painful, too.  It is the day to remind me that I have failed my husband. I have failed to fulfill his wish to be a dad and to give a child the great experiences that his dad gave him. Father's Day doesn't seem to bother K as much as it bothers me. But he deserves to be a dad. And I can't give that to him. 

So, as I sit here wallowing in my own self-pity, I just ask you to remember you infertile friends on these days. I don't ever want to take any of your joy or happiness, and you are all amazing inspirations to us as parents. I know this is a buzz-kill, and I don't mean it to be. I don't really have an ending to this black posting. So I'm linking some etiquette rules for dealing with buzz-kills like me when we get on pity-me rampages :)

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html